How NOT to Have People Show up to a Birthday Party

Ah, the childrens' birthday party. No one really wants to have them, no one really wants to attend them, and yet, we all do it FOR THE KIDS! Yet, I'm sure it wasn't a kid that wanted to bring home a bag of useless crap after one of these shin-digs, it was a grown-up that started that tradition that we can't seem to shake. And although my kid is looking for that goody-bag before we even get there, she will not even take things out of it once she gets it. Instead, it will sit on a shelf until I inevitabley chuck the whole thing in the trash. I'd like to think I hand out more useful items, but let's be honest, I don't.

Since my daughters birthday falls in the summer, I'm elated not to be required to invite all 24 children in her class. That said, it's also monumnetally more difficult tracking down the kids she does want to invite since summer is in full swing and they aren't at texting-age just yet. When I do invite the kids, I just hope and pray they do come because there is nothing like a sad little girl wondering where so-and-so is when the parents didn't bother to RSVP or even TELL the kid about the party. RSVP is kind of a required yes or no I thought. Although it seems perhaps a communication breakdown in childrens' party etiquitte, I can sum up how to certainly have people NOT show up to your party. All of these things having occurred in multiple previous invites:

1. Give us the wrong address. There is nothing like trying to find a house that doens't exist. Although it's cute to have your kids fill out the invite, you may want to proof the sucker. Which brings me to #2:

2. Give us the wrong phone number to RSVP. Like i'm making this up. Yes, stranger, i'd like to say we're coming to a birthday party at your house on saturday. Oh, what's that? You're not having a party?...this just doesn't bode well for anyone involved.

3. Hand out invites 2 days before the party. Um...what? I need more than 2 days notice to pencil in a shower on some days, now you expect me to go buy a gift?! Travel arrangements? I need time to make that happen people, so unless you want something I haven't used yet out of my linen/storage closet, and nothing says happy birthday like a 4-pack of 60 watt bulbs, I suggest you put a little more thought into your timing.

4. Have the party on a weekday, mid-day. Look, hoorah for you not working. What about the rest of us?

5. Neglect to say who the party is actually for. Please. Please do not make me guess these things. I'm no good at guessing games. I'm almost certain the invitations have fill-ins for all this required info. If I have to suscept myself to ackward phone calls to complete strangers I"m likely going to take door #2 and just not.

I'm sure I've certainly messed things up a time or two, and it's hard explaining everything on a 3x4 Hannah Montana invite, but I'm pretty sure to double check names/phone numbers so people can call if they have questions on venues or what-not. I have not gotten, but understand there is also registering at Toys R Us for parties. That would scare me right off. You've outpriced me right there by taking the time to wander a warehouse full of toys and let your kid pick out whatever they want. Wow, really? The more I think about it, the worse I think that is. Honestly people. That's one step under that freak from Housewives giving her 11 year old 2 Louis Vuittons' because one "just didn't seem like enough". Ok. O...K......no sense of reality. That's what I think.