Soggy Blog of Avoidance

This week I happen to be down to about half the dose of those happy-euphoria-inducing steroid pills they put me on after my hospital stint. I noticed. For one thing, as much as I always doubt the validity of a pill affecting human performance, it's true. I was running literally 2mph faster than I normally do on the treadmill during my higher dose. I also was incredibly optimistic, sasiatied, and task oriented. That is totally not me.

WEll welcome back to earth.

Upon my 3rd day of lower does I experienced general anger towards the world. Day 4 was more sadness. I think I'm leveling off now. Maybe. I'm back to my slower jog on the treadmill (dang). I really always had doubts about the ways pills affect well at least me in particular, but coming off these is interesting experience in hind-sight, which is now a BFF.

Lucky for work and economy they lodged about all the bad news they had at me during my drug-induced euphoria and for that I am thankful.

NOw today is a rainy soggy day and I have another evasive dr. apt to attend. Oh joy. I literally had to bribe myself out of bed (another side affect was the not really sleeping so me prying myself out of bed is way more normal). A trip to Dunkin Donuts usually gets me more motivated. Yep that did it. Little miss sassy-pants had picture day today. I recall picture day. I recall knowing which packages every one else was ordering and always wanted to have the A package, teh big one. This meant your family loved you and had the money to pay for it. Well these days they do class pictures twice a year and I bought them the first round. Granted, the kid has a new haircut, but she also looks like a halloween jack-o-lantern lately b/c of a missing tooth so I'm not sure how much I want new pictures of this look. She, disagrees. I'm not sure how much stock the kids have in the pre-ordered pics these days b/c you can order them after the fact (of course you can) a proof will come home with instructions on how to order them. We shall see. I just don't want her to feel BAD that we aren't so gung ho on picture day as say Graces' family.

Who doesn't want to be the cool kid in first grade right? Ugh. Drama.

The morning commute didn't exactly brighten my spirits any either. A random accident had lanes backed up before I could even see the highway and then it was just trafficy in general. RAin. Grey. I think this is why I left NY, oh yeah it was. I would like to order some nice weather if I could.

I would also like to know what is with the international conglomerate of employees at the Tysons DD? Everytime i'm in there the line is at least 12 people long, there are at least 3 employees from 3 different countries that speak 3 different languages and none of those languages match with either the customers or each other and I'm guessing that is WHY the line is so long. I swear it took 14 minutes to make an egg and cheese on a croissant last time. This time I went for an off-the-shelf muffin and coffee, but this still required an exhange of words between 2 employees about the sugar dispenser. Yeah, you did over do it buddy but I'll forgive you. I wish I knew the secret to getting myself a franchise. I guess you need to pool some resources, use everyone in your family as employees and man the thing 24/7. Sounds like more work than i'm willing to put out. I dont' think you'd find me anywhere near a place of employment at 5am unless i'm trying to dislodge my car from a parking garage after a heavy night of drinking.

And for some reason I keep thinking it's Wednesday.

ANGER and Dissent on a Monday.

Shocking right? Who would be in a bad mood on a Monday? Not my snarky 6 year old who greets me with an attitude filled "I'm not getting up or going to school today." first thing off the bat. We are not morning people. I can do without the attitude though. Everyday actually. So far, that was about the most cheer I've gotten really today.

I have 9 emails I refuse to touch. One of those on-going issues that refuses to resolve, but only evolve into more complicated problems and balloon itself from minor to major pain in the ass. IT's also coming from a major pain in the ass who then sends comments like "logo looks like dog-doo" on something I did not even put together so take it up with SOMEONE ELSE. Ugh. Hate-er-rate.

It's all been sliding downhill. I suspect that the small decline in my euphoria-get-it-done medication is partly to blame for my increase in tiredness/irritation (more me) and decrease in happiness/energy (all steroids). The other collection of crap I am refusing to do til later would be things I do over and over and over again anyways because people can't make up their freakin minds about anything.

It just seemed like the weekend was FAR too brief. It was a lovely weekend. It was just me and the offspring putzing around doing what I wanted to do free of interuptions or other agendas. I did what I always do when presented with large blocks of time: rearrange shit. Yes, it lights me up like a bleepin xmas tree to move furniture around, change linens, and generally reorganize things. I used attachments on my vacuum that never get used. I cleaned windowsills of the dirt rain brings in. I cleaned cieling fans, bathed dogs, drilled things into walls, leveled, used mollies, dog out stuff from under the steps storage (Tim if you freakin bury the gift wrap box again I will slay you in your sleep), and I SEWED. This is a big deal b/c (a) I was DRUNK and (b) I barely remember doing it. Oh yes, I have discovered a new level of drunk:

The pathetic Suburbanite Drunk.
This can be described as getting drunk either in social situation among suburbanite neighbors or the lower rung of drinking solo while surrounded by small children but must be done in the mid-afternoon and is not beer. Hard alcohol or wine will do. Upon getting wasted you will then go about your suburbanite activities such as doing laundry, walking dogs, changing sheets, SEWING projects, dusting, vacuuming, dishes, etc. only once you've sobered up enough to realize what the hell time it is you won't remember doing anything and will hence be pleasantly surprised at the amount of crap a slightly tipsy person can accomplish in the light of day.

Such was my case when after 3 (maybe 4) glasses of chardoney at the 4pm birthday party I really didn't want to accompany my child to, we meandered home around 6pm...there were some cleaning activities....and after I put the kid to bed (hope I fed her dinner?) and watched "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" I discovered there were clean sheets on my bed (?) piles of clean laundry (?) a newly made doggy bed (?) and I'd gotten out poles and dusters and cleaned off not only the cieling fan, the adjacent walls, but vacuumed for at least the third time that day. Immediately I picture the colorful photographs of a Chelsea, NY art gallery with martini holding mothers in bright pink outfits and headbands on plastic patios with garden hoses, beautiful children and sad faces.

A new blog entitled: Dear ____, What the heck?

There are many times in life when I just don't grasp what or why I am being sucepted to certain things. OH KARMA, I'm I really that bad? Ok maybe. REAlly?! I can't be that bad. It is times like these, and seems like a lot lately, when I just have to say; what the heck?!

My most recent rants:

Dear Hair,
What the heck?! I do my very best to treat you like glass. I do not blow-dry, shampoo, tease, flat-iron, or generally destroy you on a daily basis. I buy nice products for you. I used nice products to make you not be frizzy and completely unmanageable. Yet, you smite and defy me by doing whatever the heck you want on a daily basis with no predictability, no set part, with no pleasant results. Why? Why do you hate me so? What is it I can do to make you at least somewhat presentable to the general public and not want to cry when I look in the mirror? Do you want to be straight or curly? Can you just not pick something inbetween that is more like 'fluffly' than anything else. I promise I won't take you to hair cuttery anymore, it was just that ONE time, I swear!

Dear Corporate CEO people,
OK, What the heck are you doing up there on the top floors?! You do realize people are going to find out that you give yourselves $100 million bonuses while you are closing down plants, cutting 401K's and generally doling out cuts everywhere else right? That's not going to fly anymore. Oh and newsflash: if your company is going down, it's YOUR FAULT and you deserve to be FIRED not given a bonus to keep you to stay. When the rest of the world screws up that bad, they get CANNED. I know you are probably not familiar with the 'rest of the world' being most of you bought your way into school and then daddy made a call for your j-o-b but try and adjust. Also, I'd like to ask if you generally HATE the earth or just don't give a #@%@ about it because as I sit in traffic and watch the only trees left in sight get hacked down by bulldozers and work crews, I can only wonder who hired them and what the HECK they plan to do on a 20 foot wide strip of land next to the capital beltway. Does this really need to be developed? Do we need another 7-11 in Tysons? Do we? Do we? You make me generally loathe being a human to think that this needs to happen for any reason what-so-ever. It HURTS. I am ashamed. I honestly thought of getting out of the car and attempting to stop the cutting. It's just too much. All of Tysons need not be pavement, I know that's kind of what you may be going for, but really, it's not a good idea.

Dear People of America,
What the heck? I know you all have your own issues, problems, and preoccupations. Let's all take a deep breath and try to think for a few seconds before we take actions that land us in the daily newspaper for general stupidity (like getting out of your car in rush hour traffic to stop work crews from cutting down trees), or even on the street wearing that horrendous outfit. Sometimes, and really more often than I'd like to admit, the behavior of the general public astounds me. Littering astounds me. Road rage astounds me. Spitting on the train? They have SIGNS for that. Civilzation is just not very civilized these days. I suppose you can blame that on the economy as well.

Dear digestive system,
I hope that you are feeling better now. After many years of your constant revolts you are getting a lot of attention. I hope you are happy that I have a stack of co-pays and daily medication like some geriatric senior citizen. I know college years may have been a little rough on you, but that was a long time ago and I thought we'd recovered quite well. The rest of me would like to not be on said medication though, so if we could work out a comprimise that'd be great. What do you say?

I hate March.

And we come to another Thursday. I can't tell if this week is going slow or fast. The weather keeps hopping all over the place from 70 degrees to 30-something and it's causing a lot of sniffling in my house. I think the dog even has allergy issues.

I also have this belief that March is the longest month of the year. Ok, technically maybe it has the same number of days but it's still winter-ish, it's right after the shortest month, and then you have to deal with the daylight savings and all the sudden it's pitch black AGAIN at 7am just when I got good at waking up on time. It's just not right. I wont' even start on daylight savings b/c I feel like I've beaten that with a stick for many years in a row. .... not going to comment....it's hard!

I hate March. I really do. Aside from the nasty looking weather before actual sunshine and spring start, and the daylight savings, there just isn't anything good about it. I loath St. Patricks Day as well. I know, what is sooooooooo bad about St. Patricks' Day?!?! It's not that I don't like beer, I like me a good pint, it's just never been a good time for me. And I really don't like that color green. Other things I hate about St. Patricks' Day in general:

1. Leprechans. Creepy small, shouldn't the be making cookies in a tree and not trying to trick people in letting them go or finding gold or whatever the heck that is all about?
2. Bars on St. Patricks' Day. Oh. My. God. If I wanted to be squashed in a smelly smoky place with about a zillion people drunker than me, well, I don't.
3. Bars serving at 6am beer specials with Lucky Charms. I dont' do early. I don't early. I don't DO early. and Ew.. I'd rather all memories of Lucky Charms include pj's and cartoons and not sticky floors and/or vomit.
4. I didn't know I was irish at all until I was lke 27. That actually made me feel very excluded in general on all the great years of celebrating I COULD have been doing, and now it's just too little too late.
5. Ireland. Really? What is so great about Ireland? Ok, I've never been. I dont' much care for potatoes, or rain, or green in general. Sheep, giant wool sweaters, darkness, dampness, vastness, golf, funny socks. REd hair is scary on everyone. I just don't get why they have a holiday and no other ethnic group or specific country does. I mean, didn't the irish have nothing be negative stigmitsms associated with them? Fights? Jail? Cops? Crookedness? Red hair? Ireland is in fact on the list of places I'm ok with NEVER visiting. (Sorry Lenore)
6. Cheap plastic parafanilia. On almost any other occassion I'm all about your cheap beads and bar glory, but for some reason, maybe it's the green, I loathe the St. Patricks' day garb. All of it. Hats, leys, beads, shot glasses on strings, t-shirts, buttons, face paint.....
7. Slogans. Kiss me I'm irish. This may stem from #4, again feel left out all your life and than just jaded. what can I do?
8. I've never actually had a GOOD time on St. Patricks DAy. Almost one time when I went to NYC for the parade, but we never left the bar, and it just got weirder from there until we ended up at Ruby Tuesdays with 47 glasses on a 4 top table and someone nearly LOST a LEG getting off the train. (Sorry about that too Lenore)

Maybe that is just it. I can not in good faith associate such a highly coveted drinking holiday (and I DO love me some drinking, ask around) with anything good, if nothing good has EVER happened to me on that day. It's not that I even have painfully bad memories of St. Patricks' Day, I just have no good ones. It's just a giant green platform of disappointment.

101 (or less) Things That Have Gone Seriously Wrong Lately

I've concluded with every scrap of 'hope' I have left in my body that things are always darkest before the dawn. After all, we just got all of our winter accumulation dumped on us on March 1st. Hoorah for snow days! And now it is suppossed to be 70 this weekend: instant spring.

For anyone who has been keeping up, my body has decided it's had enough after 32 years of abuse and started revolting in odd ways I didn't see coming. I am now on more medications that I care to recount and one has to be given intravenously at an oncologist office periodically. Fun fun fun. In addition to this grand nugget of goodness, it just started pouring bad karma all over and perhaps a nice little checklist will get it off my drugged-up-steroid-swollen head for a better 'perspective'.

March 3rd, 2006.
I notice at breakfast: My Fish is dead. Dori V couldn't take the cleanliness of her new bowl and had the nerve to kick it after a good 3 years of solid performance. Thanks fish.

1:00 pm: I am pumped full of immune-supressing drugs that takes literally 2 and a half hours.

3:30 pm: I have multiple voice mails on multiple phones from not one, but multiple Dr.s and not one has anything GOOD to say. In fact, it's pretty much not good. I learn about all sorts of things I have to go get tested for and feel sick-nausaus and gross in general. Also a bit like some old aunt nelly who really should be taking more calcium supplements to prevent a future hump. HOnestly, I swear I made it an entire YEAR without seeing one doctor for anything and suddenly this year I have yet to have a solid week without some sort of appointment and those damn co-payments are adding up!

3:32 pm: Boss has bad news.. please come see me. Yes it's bad. No i'm not unemployed but lets just say we're back to square 1 and the bus is looking like a solid transportation option. I hate that I want a Range Rover so bad.

5:52 pm: Text recieved: "I am fed up. It's boden or me." Please don't be serious, I will in fact choose the dog. He's a good snuggler and doesn't give me crap about my JCrew purchases. I choose to not acknowledge this text in my favorite way of shoving my ostrich head into the sand and hope it goes away. So far, so good.

It was all a bit much for a day I thought was going to be good. I don't know why I thought that, or why I drew a sunshine on my legal pad next to the date before it started raining shit, but that's just the way it was. I know economically it's not like I'm the ONLY one, or anyone else doesn't have worse problems, it's just the multitude of issues simultaneiously that is becoming a bit overwhelming. I do freak out if more than one fly or mosquito lands on me at one time. I deal better in smaller doses. I've also evaluated some new numbers and come up with the following other fun facts for 2009:

My house -my always a good investment in real estate first home ownership freakin house- is worth a solid 23.07% LESS this year alone.

Our combined family income has gone down over 22% from when we bought said house (2007) because of lack of bonuses/etc.

Childcare costs have increased: 12.5%

Condo association fees have increased: 7.15%

My car will not be paid off until 2010. OK that almost isn't that bad. Right, it's 2009, right? Maybe I can pay that off earlier.

House payment now = over 52% of combined income. Pretty sure that's not good, expecially since it's NOT WORTH WHAT WE OWE. This would be why foreclosures are everywhere. I actually have the solution that we re-assess all principle mortgages made in the past 5 years and adjust them accordingly with todays' values. Anyone object to that? Anyone? I don't think anyone would. Of course, it's not friggin MOnopoly, I can't be the car, and I can't negotiate Boardwalk out of my 6 year olds' posession so easy with the promise of BOTH Baltic and Mediterranian Ave. I mean someone needs to be slumlord, but it doesn't have to be me. That is not cheating, that is winning my friend. Now they won't even give me $200 for passing Go anymore. Wow, suck the fun out of life why don't you? I wish I could just start over sometimes and I would say no to all school loan, or ate least have a bit more of a clue about compounded percents. Which, I honestly don't really understand still, I only get that I eventually pay back 3x what I borrow, and somehow 3x what you borrow is suppossed to be 9%? Really, no clue. And I'm actually GOOD at math.

So, in conclusion, this game has left me feeling like the little Monopoly dude with his pockets pulled out and sad face on. Which is mostly frustrating b/c I wasn't cheating, I was in fact doing everything the way your suppossed to do it. I went to college, I got a good job, I pay bills on time, I bought the house in the good school district for the cute kid... what the hell happened?!

FIX IT! I don't think it's "fixed" just yet.

I have no faith that my 401K will in fact exist upon my 'retirement'. I also have no faith I will see a dime from any SS I've been putting into since I was 16. Pensions, ha ha ha. Those are for senators and govenors and that's about it.

I kind of feel like i'm in the collapse of the soviet communist regime. I hope they lose all my debt paperwork. I'm glad I like my adorable little house and all b/c aparently i'm never leaving even if I wanted to. Even though its a huge expense, even though there are great deals if we'd only waited...only we couldn't becuase the kid was starting school. Ah hindsight.

In my dream last night my good friend Johnny Depp was trying to convince me to become some sort of environmental law engineer or something and had his friend from Martha's vineyard come talk to me about starting on his program and I was scared to death. I don't want more schooling, more knowledge, more responsibility. I just want things to be OK. Why can't this just be enough? Why is everything getting so hard lately?