Hello. It's one of those odd times where I want to say something but I don't know what to say. I'm sitting with some coworkers and I want to say something interesting, funny, or informative when really I just want everyone to like me and think I'm cool but I really have nothing to say that would be remotely interesting right now. I guess that's why people gossip, it's something to say to make people listen. I got nothing. Listen to me! Look at me! Think I'm cool! Nope, nothing.
As I was waiting for the dang image to download (my current feelings post workout) I was thinking how so many people pile their thoughts and feelings into electronic letters like blogs/emails/chats but it's not really being saved. It will all be forgotten and deleted someday, much like ourselves I guess. I'm also thinking that it would be useful to have some different kind of super-search engines that can pull up all those accounts you registered for and signed into when you can't remember what you did. I know I have ordered photostamps but low and behold I know not the account info, but if I wanted to know every site I ever entered my personal information into that'd be very helpful as well. I could go back and delete unneeded/unwanted accounts, update the ones I wanted to keep, maybe even search for people by the personal information you know...it's all out there somewhere, just not all that accessible for some reason. I know you can search for people via email and all but I don't think it's really looking at the actual information they entered, but the wierd email name you don't know. Dumb. Just a thought.
I hear my boss wandering around. Does this look like work? Probably not. I miss my brother working with me, just because he's my brother. You just look up to them and think they know things you don't (well he does). I had a pretty sweet set up, not that I should complain too much now, it's not bad either and we did steal the comedian. It smells like banana at my desk. BAnanas have a 5 minute window for consumption between not ripe yet and too ripe. I think mine just passed the window.
I can tell I'm getting older, which sucks. You don't think you are and then boom, grey hairs, you go to the gym and you're hurting things, always sore, gaining weight for no reason, things are drooping, friggin sucks man. I'm so not interested in living to a ripe old age. Look what good it's doing for this banana. It's totally getting tosssed into the trash because NO ONE WANTS IT past it's prime. A lot like old people. Not to just spiral into a pity of depression but there's not going to be social security or pensions or any of that crap left so I imagine a lot of old people are going to have a lot more problems then they do now adays. Retirement will be retired and we'll all have to work til we drop dead. Yeah, go G. W. Fucker. You don't know what you are doing!! GEEZ! I hate politics in general. This is what happens when men are in charge. You think war is something these neanderthals could grow out of, but no. It just seems so primitive and silly. The disagreements should be solved like a game show. Much more entertaining and less deadly and depressing and a heck of a lot faster. Switzerland can host. And there people, is the answer to all the worlds problems. Top that GW.

The dumbest thing I ever heard;

"Choose to like yourself and the way you look-even if at first you feel like you're faking it," says psychologist Susan Davis, Ph.D., author of Beating the Body Image Blues. "Through acting, you tap into parts of yourself that truly feel beautiful. Even if those positive qualities seem like a small percentage of who you are, grasp onto them and project them outwards." The result: Not only will you begin to feel beautiful on the inside, but others will see it radiating on the outside-so don't be surprised if the compliments start pouring in! Having trouble? Imagine someone you admire standing in front of you, and step forward into her body!

Todays' retarded quote brought to you by; http://lifestyle.msn.com/Redbook/Article.aspx?cp-documentid=877777
an msn article designed to make you feel better about who you are by pretending to be someone else(?) How does that make you accept who you are, again? Are you telling me that by rejecting your own body and "mentally stepping into someone elses'" you can like yourself better?! Somehow I doubt that will work. It's such a good thing these shrinks get paid so much to be so helpful.

In other news, I heavily suspect that the good people at Starbucks lace their pumpkin muffins and latee with crack/cocaine and therefore make them irrisitably desirable and easily consumable in a matter of mere seconds.

They aparently make a dvd that self loops so your dog can watch a continuous stream of other dogs playing, running in the park, and generally having a much better time than your dog- who is sitting home alone in a confined area. What is worse? Leaving the dog cooped up all day, or taunting it with dogs playing outdoors while he is cooped up all day? Your choice. There's nothing like watching all the other kids go swimming when you want to and you can't because you have a broken arm so...yeah that makes sense.

A new perspective on work; if someone said they'd pay me 50-grand to sit in a box everyday for 8 hours for an entire year, I'd probably say no. It is a whole year. Ok we'll give you 2 weeks off. You have to drive in to get to the box though and dress up. I'd say no.

I don't even know if that is anything up there image-wise. It's been a long time since i've blogged here. Changed jobs, not that I wanted to leave my other job. I loved my job. I loved my co-workers. I loved my carpool/private car service. But, I also like getting paid more so I had to leave since they just would not pony-up. New digs, same type of job. Strangley enough, some of the same co-workers (we jump ship as a team) but new ones too. I like it, but I haven't hit "love" status yet. I think there needs to be a little organization, people don't really know what I can do, I don't really know what they want. Just takes a little while I guess. I'm not too keen on driving in though, little extra stress, could be worse though. The spouse is wanting to look in MD for a house(well townhouse or converted shed by what we can afford) and this would seriously influence my commute. I'm not big on commute, but I have to decide if I like square footage better. I depress myself by looking at housing prices in Syracuse where i'm from. Giant houses with 4+ bathrooms and finished basements and huge yards. Older family members saying things like "just pay cash for it" "what you rentin' for?"
It's not like I want to rent for the rest of my life, or want to be poor. I look at my Amex bill, it's mostly gas and groceries-can't cut too many corners there. I guess the next splurge to go is cable. I like my HGTV though, so I can dream of someday having a home to decorate. I see lots of msn articles about my generation (debt) and our problems of spending vs. saving and living with our parents still or again. No solutions are sticking out. I would love to move back home if I could find a job there in my field. Unfortunately you have to be a nurse or a teacher or you are out of luck. I feel like I whine about this a lot. I have time, I guess, but it just does not appear to be better this year than last (quite the opposite) so I'm wondering how much time I am really going to give it here.
Anyways, office is a doornail today. Apparently there was a golf thing, so that clears out all the people who make enought to golf. Let me tell you about my golf clubs. I got them from my grandfather when I was about 12. They were cut down from my grandma's old clubs (she is taller than I ever will be). They had a bag but it eventually molded and I had to throw them out. My neighbor gave me his old bag (ha ha I just re-read that) when he got a new one so that's nice to have. I have never once played an 18 hole course. I've played a 9-hole course more than once though. That particular course came with a fee of around $3. Yes, $3. So you can imagine my hesitation to pay too much more anywhere else. I think I'm actually pretty decent, I usually beat my husband and brother so perhaps I'll take it up when I get some more time/money. I have lots of things planned for retirement actually. Scrap-booking is one of them. For now, i don't pretend to have time for that sort of stuff.

It's a beautiful day!
So there are days, months, years that go by and I don't feel like bursting into tears as a result of my stupidity or lack of physical coordination. And then there are days when I am sorry I was not grateful for those times. This is one of them. Somehow, inside 2 weeks the following events have occurred which are fraying the thin string I am currently hanging by;
1. I start a new job
2. they promise parking and possibly renig it
3. Husband starts new job
4. I manage to pour an entire glass of red wine on an innocent bystandard in a white dress shirt and tie while on the first company outting with husbands new company
5. The dog chews up a highlighter on the carpet making herself more visible to the world.
6. I press down button on elevator and it falls out of the wall onto carpet, I return it to the wall pointing in the wrong direction. Nice.
7. On a coffee run I fall off the curb with hands full and land squarely on both knees and return to new office bleeding profusely and biting back tears.

2,5,6 and 7 have occurred in the past 24 hours. It's a great day.

The heat is on! So I am relatively sure that some higher power is trying to eradicate human kind from the planet. With good reason. I'm pretty sure that we can't survive temperatures much higher than they will be this week. My heart goes out to those without AC though. I would not be able to sleep without it and I'm a pretty crappy quality sleeper as is. Aside from the fact that you can bake cookies in an enclosed vehicle and fry bacon on sidewalks, cruise ships are tipping over, the streets are running amock with hoodlems and crime enough to enforce curfews on teenagers, and gas prices, well you get the picture.
If this summer fails to kill off half the population and drive them towards the outer ends of the earth, I dont know what will. Canada is looking pretty nice these days.

When you are 16 years old you can apply for a learners permit. Granted you a pass a driving test (meaning you don't mow someone down, you use the dang blinker, and park halfway decent) you are now a lisenced driver. Yes, well, I'm pretty sure the majority of people in my area got theirs out of a cereal box or just bought it on the street. Aside from the fact that I've had narrow escapes with cabbies (how can you pass a test when you don't speak the language?) I only have to walk around the parking lot in my complex to see who really sucks at driving.

Example a) Holly crashes a-lot and her mini cooper with missing front driver fender flare, side scrapes and dents -who most recently pulled so far up (like you need to with that car) I heard the bottom scraping on the sidewalk before she slammed into the curb. I had to see what this one looked like.

Example b) Homey duct tape- whose entire passenger side is crushed over a good 10 inches and whose passenger windows consist of plastic and duct tape and one would think this car is not even legally suppossed to be on the road, but he has been driving it like this for at least 2 months now.

Example c) Takes their parking cues from Holly and pulls up on to the sidewalk as far as they can before hitting the curb (and you if you're not watching) at 20 mph OR they are crooked and in 2 spaces.

I won't even get started on the actual driving, but somewhere along the lines of getting your liscense at 16 and dying at 96, I would think maybe another road test might be in order. Just a thought. Also, if you can't see over the steering wheel, maybe taking the bus is a better option for you. Thanks!

10 Signs the world will soon end;

1. Unexplicable weather patterns wipe out entire cities and raise temperatures above 90 degrees for the entire continental US.

2. Our idea of keeping "peace and democracy" involves Nuclear weapons.

3. A C-student who has already driven successful companies into the ground is RE-elected as leader of the free world.

4. Jahova's witnesses say "fuck it" to converting you.

5. Brad Pitt is publically declared as 'bad in bed'.

6. Price of oil pretty much quadrouples and usage still posts an increase.

7. I stop liking cake.

8. People don't ever die of 'natural causes'.

9. Junk mail becomes a weapon of terrorism.

10. An bill is past to cut educational funding for learning about the consitution and its' amendments. Yah, learning is for suckers, right George?

So I catch my 3 year old laying on her back in the middle of the kitchen floor slowly pushing herself around with her feet. I ask "what are you doing?" Her response is "I'm doing like Mo". For all those unfamiliar with the Doodlebops, it's a Canadian trio that dresses up in colored costumes and wigs and are a band that gets transported to concerts by a tye-dye shirt, chuck footed bus driver named Bob that keeps a blender on the dash. I kid you not. Mo breakdances regularly as the board the bus before embarking on their journey. My three year old is attempting to break dance in my kitchen. I am unable to assist, as my version would be striking similiar to hers. We've also tried the worm in the past and spent a Saturday morning practicing 'crowd surfing' so I don't know why I'm even surprised by this cute little circular scooching. It proves to me 2 things;
1- The 80's have officially landed, again. I never thought I'd see the day, I really REALLY didn't.
and
2- Everything is cute when it's little. Like a mini cup cake or size 0 chucks. ADORABLE.
There does come a time when your little ones get bigger and then pass over the line of cuteness. I know it happens. Their funny little comments become more rude smart mouthniness like the 6-year old downstairs who tells my daughter she's medium "for a kid" and I'm large (oh dang precious) even for an adult. I do my best not to squelsh her with my sarcastic comments in front of her very lovely parents who fail to flinch has said 6 year old raises her arm as if to strike them when being told what to do. Yeah, that'd fly with me. Remember Homey the clown? Homey don't play that . That's right little chillen. We have to conciously limit our exposure to said 6 year old since my 3 year old picks up her mannerisms like a sponge, complete with "looks". Her mother told me she said "How come when you and daddy are sick you are never in the mood to do nothing?" (with southern accent). Little precious has an awful dusty time out bench and constantly tests people. I found out she also falls asleep in the parents be EVERY night. Why does that not sound like a great idea. When are we cutting that off? When she's 12? I have relatives that allow their 4 year old to sleep with them every night, all night. She never sleeps in her own bed. Also a GREAT idea. How she even got a little brother is beyond me but I'm sure he'll want to join the party fairly soon. Some parents just make you feel better about yourself. Thanks for that. See Britney, it could be worse!

This is my doggy posing for her "Old Navy Mascot" photos. Couldn't look more depressed if she TRIED! Geez dog. Your life is so stinking rough. Ok, so I am going to have your ovaries removed and you'll never bear children, it's not so bad. That dog at the dog park was never going to call you anyways. I know his type. Trust me your better off. What? Taz from upstairs? NO way man, you may not have noticed but he is a chiauaua. No really, I am not lieing.
So, I have been physically ill with the concern of the unknown work adventures. I'm not the only one going through a lot, but I don't know how things will turn out in a matter of weeks or months, or if I'll sign another lease since I'll never be able to afford the housing payments in my area. (Darn antartica property taxes). I guess I figured things would be FAR more settled when I was this close to 30, but they are not. I may give up and move back upstate. Time will tell, I just have felt in limbo since I moved here, although there are plenty of things to like, there are plenty of things to dislike as well. I don't speak Spanish for one. I shall not go into it.
It's been a bloggy type day, I expected a lot more on my plate but since it hasn't arrived yet I've been dumping random thoughts on my contacts list. I'm not sure how much they appreciate that but it's nice to have emails that are not work related on a work day. It's like mail that's not junk mail. Refreshing. At least, I'd like to think so.
Is it bad that I blank out when my husband starts talking about all things work related? I'm not very detailed oriented. Just give me the big picture. Short/sweet.

It's been like a week, but a lot has gone down. The boss up and left. She took my company loyalty with her. Doesn't fein well when a billion dollar company doesnt' even bother to try and keep their top people. Dominos around here lately. Line em up! I don't know why I"ve been so miserable lately, I have a lot of things going on but I'm pretty burnt out as well. It's been very busy and people are very demanding and i'm really not that interested in pleasing anyone. I have to laugh when I do something to exact specifications and it gets dogged. You got what you wanted, don't blame me because you suck at design. You didn't want my input.
Other than that, the world is in it's own disarray. Let me just say that Bush's whole opinion on gay marriage (ban it?!) is just a distraction from the fact there is continuous unnecessary blood shed in Iraq and he started it with this false notion (aka excuse WOMD) that never panned out. Ever. My comments on his ploy are that the Consitution on the United States should not be amended, EVER. It is a historical document. No ones says it's completley right or wrong, make your bills, but do not amend something like that. Another point is, that document was written to ensure our Freedoms from opression. Our rights as citizens. It is not a list of what you CANT do, it's not about bans, sanctions etc. It is about ensuring that kind of crap doesn't go on HERE. You want to ban gay marriage, move somewhere else. We are the land of the FREE, get over it already. They keep saying they want freedom of speech, freedom of religion -but the biggest argument against the gay marriage thing is based SOLEY on the CATHOLIC RELIGION. Not mine, not many others. If you want to keep things free, you've got to be TOLERANT of others differences. Hey I have friends that voted for Bush, we don't talk about it, I dont hate them, I may think that's pretty dumb, but I like them all the same. What the hell is the big deal about GAy marriage anyways? Isn't marriage suppossed to be about LOVE? Why all the HATE? I don't think Republicans should be allowed to get married. How do you feel about that? They should be banned from reproducing. They are bad for the environment. I think Gay people are some of the most sensitive, open-minded individuals you'll ever meet. Because they know what it's like to be judged, they don't do it to others. Stop judging people. No one is making a fuss about any other marriages and a hell of a lot more hetero ones fail than homo so who is doing it right? What negative affect is it having on these people who want to ban it anyways? What's next? I feel like this whole country is a fucking joke, some Land of the FREE comes with a huge ASS disclaimer thanks to good old GW.

day of The Nano
She will be loved, she will be loved..
tap on my window knock on my door i wan to make you feel beautiful, I know I tend to get so insecure,
it s not always rainbows and butterflies,
my heart has fallen, my doors always open you come anytime you want.
Look for the girl with the broken smile, ask if she wants to stay awhile,
she will be loved...
I know where you hide
alone in your car
know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all,
comes back and makes me catch her every time she falls
...
I don't mind spending every day out onn your corner in the pouring rain
look for the girl with the broken smile
ask her if she wants to stay awhile
she willlllllllll be looooooooooooooved she wiiiiiiiiil be looooved....
please don't try so hard to say good bye

You only want someone to love you as much as you love, but then, it never happens as you think it should. You have a choice to accept love, or not.

I heard the truth about you..I was deep in an indian sleep, why'd they have to call my school tell me my mother had a nervous breakdown
wish I believed like you do
yeah you
in the myth of a merciful god
I hear the voices you hear sometimes, sometimes it gets so much, I feel like letting it go, like letting all go
said you were losing your mind, said you just needed a rest, said that maybe I could go live with them for awhile, I know the truth about you, I know the truth...
mama they woke me up, I was just 8 years old, sometimes it gets so hard, I feel like letting it go, like letting all gooooo

i've been the needle and the thread
i tried to laugh but cried instead
.
making use of all this time
keeping everything inside
close my eyes and listen to you crying
i'm lifting you up
i'm letting you dwon
i'm dancing til dawn
I'm fooling around
this citys made us crazy and we must get out
this is not goodbye she said
it is just time for me to rest my head
she does not walk she runs instead

traffic got me int he right direction
close my eyes..
i'm letting you down
i'm not giving up
i'm making your love
this citys' made us crazy
there's only so much I can do for you
after all of the things you put me throough
ooooooooooh
I'm lifting you up
i'm not giving up
i'm making your love
this city's made us crazy
and we must get out
woooah
woooah
yeah

Father of mine
tell where have you been
my whole world disapears
take me back to the day
when I was still your golden boy back before you went away
you would take me to the beach
a place inside that is so hard to reach
where did you go
what do you see when you look back at your wasted life and you don't see me
sometimes you would send me a birthday card
i never understood you dad and I guess I never will
my daddy gave me a name and then he walked away

Dreaming again..I had a house by the ocean, it was a bit dilapitated, but hey, I don't have a house in real life so anythings a step up. I felt like it was my dads' before, it had high cielings, peeling paint, hardwoods, potential. We had moved in and had some boxes, but not a lot in the space. I wanted to paint the front bedroom for Chloe a brownish/beige color and put her stuff in there so she could sleep. We were eating pizza off a box (as we do each time we move) and looking to the right out the tall windows at the waves and rocks outside. Another girl was there (my sister?) and boys were playing in the sand outside as the sun was setting and people were packing up their beach towels and chairs. Someone came to the door and I left. Someone named Michelle was there with Tim and I had to carry some books.

would you give it all up now
You give it all away
don't let it come apart
you give it all away
you give it all away
don't let it come apart
don't want to see you come apart
...........woo-ooo
I lay in the long grass
so many people
so many people pass
I stare, stare at lovers
downin their coffee's
you give it all away
give it all away now
don't let it come apart
you give it all away now
don't want to see come apart
...........
...........
(Caught by the River -The doves)
you give it all away
you give it all away
would you give all away....
give it all away...........

I had this terrible dream. It was fine, until I kept hitting snooze, and then it just started going bad. I was in college again, my roommate seemed to be a girl from my current dance class. I played rugby (I did) and I was really good (I wasn't bad) and the coach (looks like jesus) wanted to talk to me because I was sooooo good at tackling/hitting. I said "I have a lot of hidden aggression". He had no response. Unfortunately some girls from the other rugby team were really pissed that they kept losing and wanted to out me. They basically tried to jump me in the shower but I kicked there ass to the point where they ran off but then they turned all the men against me (that actually did happen but for other reasons). Just the way they looked at me really hurt. Hate, hate for no reason or fault of my own.
Well, what do people do when the hate you and want to hurt you? They take what matters most to you. They took my daughter. This 7 foot man lured my daughter to his place by saying he was lost and needed help finding his apartment. She showed him where it was and he pulled her in and she said she shouldn't go with strangers, but he said "you already did" and chained her up with swing set chain around her soft beautiful wrists and I couldn't get to her.. and then I woke up.
Playing rugby was a lot like being in a frat or sorority I think. Only co-ed. There was hazing (dubbing) and a lot of things were just mean, I wasn't interested in that part. I did my best not to treat anyone with disrespect, although I think I got a lot for it. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Some of the players married each other. Feels a little like the couples from HS that married. What? Really? Move on. I wonder if those who were unkind to others ever regretted it? Somehow I doubt it. It's funny, strange, and sad how young people can deserately seek the approval of peers that treat them with hate and disrespect. Sad..but not new and never ending.

It's bloggin time! Woo-hoo! Well, actually, it's a welcome relief after the messy project i'm not quite done with until the final product arrives unscathed from the printer-tomorrow. In the mean-down-time though I'll enjoy a few minutes of no responsibilities.
Caught a bit of news today, always bad so I thought I'd try that 'think of a few of my favorite things'-thing to cleanse my mind of the worlds evil. Well I did. While I was listing my self-divulging pleasure like the food channel, E true HOllywood story, sleeping, sunshine on the carpet, newly baked and half raw still cookies etc.. I was thinking that all my favorite things break down into just a few categories; food, tv, sleep, other sins.
I recall someone saying they like water so much they tattooed it on themself as one of their 3 favorite things. Must have been a wave or something. I love the ocean too, but since it's one of those things I rarely see, I guess I don't put it up there with 'things'.
I like the show Office, it's pretty funny. I don't get to see it very often because I take a dance class at the same time though. I noticed today that people still have some instilled hallway fear like in highschool or something when they try not to make eye contact.
It would appear that we've all reduced ourselves to ackward grunts instead of an actual greetings when we meet in said hall. It may be translated into a "hey" "hey" or even a "how are you?" but they don't even wait for a response and will auto respond with a "good" or "fine". What's more, even if you completely bodge the question or answer, no one will ever stop you or bring it up again.

Ah, L'amour

Almost daily I observe a girl in the office come over to ask a boy something she really doesnt' need to ask. It's pretty clear to me, and the other girls sitting around that she wants something she's not asking for. Why it has to be so complicated, why who you like never seems to like you and vice versa, I don't know.
I was recently told a story about a wedding in which the groom claimed his ex was the best friend (female) and had to be the best man. OK odd, but whatever. Not only did she dawn a tux and stand as the best man, they had a dance just for them. I think at this point the bride exited stage left. Boys; let me just say this, girls 99.9% of the time can not be friends with you after sleeping with you on a regular basis. It's just them sticking around in hopes the guy will someday realize she was the one all along. Girls; this will not happen. He will pity you, he will be nice to you in hopes that something comes along to divert your attention -and maybe he will even be slightly jealous if it does- but he won't want you. You can't love people you pity. I can't tell you how to not love someone, I think it's best just to keep trying to find someone you can put that love onto that can return it, even if you secretly hope everyday that he might come back and want you again.

The morning buzz Ah coffee. I liken it to alcohol in the sense that either you drink it, or you don't, and people feel pretty strongly about it both ways. Is it a drug? Yes, I think so. Is it addicting? Well, so they say. Lucky for me I don't have a very addicting personality (no really, I don't). I only started drinking it in small quantities once in awhile. I recall a good tasting cup out of Lenore's kitchen in college, taking some to work once in awhile for my 33.2 mile commute into Providence. Soon I graduated to having a quarter to half a cup a day filling my brightly colored fiestaware mugs after my little one was born. It still made me jitterly to have more than that. When I moved to a full cup a day plus it started taking a toll on my overly sensitive digestive tract. Caffine is a bit of a laxitive. I decided I didn't like it so much and just stopped drinking it for weeks. I was a little tired, but honestly, no more than usual. I didn't crave it or want it at all. I think it was more of a habit than an addiction.
My husband was still drinking it though and there was leftover so I decided I'd have an iced coffee after 7pm. NOT a great idea. I wasn't jittery, but I was up way past midnight and before I went to bed contemplated all the household chores I could get done if I didn't bother to sleep. Then I figured if I got tired in the morning I'd just have another coffee. This is where the 'addiction' sets in with people I think. You're missing your little buzzing motivation and when it subsides, you try to get it back. Only it takes more and more each time to get equal the first. Sounds familiar. This can easily be likened to drugs or alcohol. Only, this ones legal and widely socially acceptable. And aparently, very profitable, as most addictive and unnecessary substances are. Food for thought.

Another Day at the Desk
I try really, I try to be good and do what I should, but sometimes I think, what's the point? NOt to get all office space but I don't get more or less for any amount of work (or quality work for that matter). I have some things to do, but most of my job seems to consist of waiting on others, oh joy! I miss Ren and STimpy.
Anyways, I asked to leave at noon tomorrow b/c I have a wedding far far away I don't feel like attending, but I must! My boss helpfully suggests I take the whole day, well asked me why I didn't. Uh, she knows darn well why I dont'. One full day = deduct from vacation time. One half day = no deduction. Duh. I didn't respond to her and just plan on leaving. I'm such a good employee. Well, I'm sure there's worse. I don't complain about my job because I really do like it, I like the people too, even the boss. She's an odd duck, but usually pretty down to earth.
So be it as I am revisiting the homelands it seems whenever we do we have one main objective; secure the native foods. This will include salt potatoes, P&C half moons, Cameron cheese danishes, and maybe a trip to the Dinosaur BBQ or some Doug's Fish Fry if I have time. I do love the barbie. Mmm corn bread. Funny, I"ve lived a handful of places and it's always food we are looking for when we go back. RI: lobster/Willow-tree chicken salad from STop&Shop/Phils diner/Dells lemonade/Mews. Here, I don't know what I would miss if I left food-wise. I do have a great pizza place I love, a good sushi place I've only been to once, I don't know about specifics though. I should probably cook more.

See, this is why I don't listen to the news. I go into the kitchen at work and it's on and I invariably hear that some school (in NJ) is banning, yes banning, children from bringing cupcakes (or any other sweet treat) on their birthdays. Too much sugar. That is ludacris. It's the kids dang birthday, they do not celebrate with their friends over a cup of coffee and a stick of celery. We're talking about elementary school. I get that we have a generation O, but banning an annual tradition ain't going to change that! We all managed to grow up eating donuts and drinking Hawiaan punch and not falling into diabetic coma. How about you reinstate the Phys-ed programs to every day instead of every other day? Just a thought. Their 'solution' to birthdays was to have the guest of honor wear a crown (sorry boys) and distribute goody bags. Uh-huh. I've done the goody bags and the cupcakes. Guess what? Goody bags for 24 kids cost me over $50, the cupcakes are around $3. You know what else? Goody bags usually contain candy as the cheapest item. Why don't you just ban all holidays since we celebrate with candy 99% of the time scrooge! I'd also like to point out that the children are in school roughly 6 hours out of 24 so if they are sugar hungry pigs, they are going to get it regardless of whether it's a cupcake at lunch or 9 when they get home.

Things I would have done different..
1. not wrote dumb typed note in 5th grade responding to Andrew's response because my mother was unfamiliar with the term "go out with"
2. not denied kissing Eric/Andrew in 1st grade when asked about it in 5th
3. not confronted Rob when someone told me he wanted to ask me to the prom
4. not made tape for Kurt or told him about it (dumb dumb dumb)
5. not been a crappy girlfriend to Brian
6. would have gone to New Years' party after pouting/throwing fit worked
7. not bought hideous outfits at Filenes' basement
8. not had a crush on someone gay
9. not gone to Cortland
10. not met Scott
11. not gone to Susans' wedding

People always say that they don't regret things in life, and they wouldn't change any of them because they learned from them and that's what made them who they are today. WEll that's nice. Above is a list of dumb things that made serious scars on me, I learned nothing from, and had serious recourse on the sequence of events that made my life what it is today. If I like it all that much, I wouldn't have made said list.

Am I shallow?
I have to wonder, not because I've been outright accused of it by anyone, it's just I'm a pretty intelligent person but I honestly consider the msn home page, news. And, even there, when i read highlights involving politics or world news I am more liable to cover my ears and start singing then open any of those things up and pretend I am interested. I'm not sure if it's because the "news" is never good news, and I just dont' like to burden my psyche with tragedies and murders and things I can't change or prevent, or if I'm just a shallow girl.
Truth be told I live for the glossy girly magazines that come every month like clockwork. I notice if they are using a picture from last years summer issue (and Lucky it's so obvious that's so last season) and even though I don't follow their make up tips and I don't own anything designer, it's like eye candy to me. I love the magazine, I love celebrity gossip, I love my shoes, and I constantly wish I could something with my hair.
Although I don't like watching the news to hear what horrors abound, I also dont' care about politics so much. Not interested. I have no clue outside our own president and face shooting vice who does what. I do seem to uphold an opinion that they are doing a pretty crappy job and when I do catch press conferences have to wonder if they are serious, but maybe that's just more bad news I'm not willing to expose myself to. It does frustrate me the problems of our nation, but I dont' have that "I make a difference" feeling. Yeah, that went out the window with the re-election of our current fearless (yeah, right) leader. For some reason I can't help myself but pass on the title of "US newborns scoring low" for a good "Russell dives into Posiedon" story. I also notice when the reuse msn topic, and trust me, they do!
Once I had a subscription to Time magazine because I was attempting to educate myself and somehow ignite my interest in current events, but, after they began piling up unread (weekly!) I had to call and beg them to stop delivery. Meanwhile, I have to beat the subscriptions to Glamour, Vogue, Lucky, Jane, and Allure out of my hands with a stick before I go into debt learning of the latest blurbs of Lindsey Lohan. Whey does it facinate me? I don't know, maybe the world is heavy enough and I am just trying to distract myself. Shallow though? Up for debate.

Well. It's Monday. It's raining. I didn't feel too bad about things this morning though. Despite the fact I was dragged out of my warm bed by my 3 year olds' cries for mommy. Despite the fact I know my husband is still searching for work and will spend the majority of the day at home not making money. Despite the fact I was recently crapped on literally by a bird. Then the husband called me at work, again.
He needs a very expensive root canal and crown. How it is that a man without a single cavity could somehow hit 30 and deteriate so fast, is beyond me. He blames the water, I have no culprits. Maybe stress, maybe crappy brushing techniques, maybe I just don't know. I'm not a fan of the dentist. I don't particularly like this one either. I may just find a new one. It is a kick in the face however, in my current economic state, to have to hear what they want me to pay.
I'm trying so hard to stay positive, to stay family friendly, to hold it together, and this is a blow I did not need. And, had it to come, I would have preferred to enjoy my entire day at work and deal with it when I got home. Now, I can't even go get a cup of coffee at starbucks without second guessing my purchase since I aparently will soon be parting with 2 weeks salary to fix some teeth that need yanking or veneering anyways. This fucking sucks. Thanks a lot for ruining what could have been a fairly decent day. Now all day long I get to sit here and wish I could ditch my entire life and start over and rack my brain for what other belongings I can SELL to cover teeth that aren't even MINE. At what point is enough enough? How much to you think I can stand before I crack? We will all wait and see.

Isn't it funny how when you forget something it just suddenly pops into your head at some random time when you're thinking of something else completely? Last time I was blogging I was trying to think of what I wanted to blog about but of course I had to wait for it to randomly come to me. It's not as good as I thought, but here it is;
My Thoughts on Gas Pricing
Well, you knew they weren't going to be positive, no one likes spending more money on anything. On my way into work, car pooling on my brothers motorcycle in the HOV lane, I see a few things that strike me. A hybrid Escape with a plate reading: H1BR1D. Obviously someone proud to own a hybrid for their environmental savy or penny pinching. I see many hybrids with vanity plates cheering their existance. ENVRMNT, PSERVR, etc. Alongside will be a brand new Cadillac Escalade SUV with temporary plates. I honestly think those trucks are gorgeous and I suppose if you have the money, you don't care so much about gas prices, but they always have one scrawny little black driver and not another sole in the 365 cubic space of cargo, and wheels that cost more than my car. I saw a wrangler with temp plates too and so I wonder if people are really driving less now that gas is over $3 a gallon.
I never thought I'd see that day until I was at least retired. I mean, it was 99 cents a gallon when I was in college and that wasn't that long ago. They say that the metro has had record riders and the husband hears there is a lot of gas because people aren't buying as much. The stock fell to under $70/barrell which isn't any higher than it was when gas did cost 99cent/gallon so what's the deal?
It makes me sick to hear about CEO retirement packages valued at hundreds of millions of dollars while they tell us they aren't price guaging. Maybe they need a vocab lesson.
Sometimes I have odd nightmares and the only with I wish for was more justice, and not the kind we have now, real justice that doesn't struggle with right/wrong or guilty/innocent. It is a conflict of interest to have a president so involved in the oil industry. If we have laws preventing business conduct along lines of conflicts of interest, then why on earth is someone who makes more money off the oil industry than the salary paid as president of the United States, allowed to be in that position? Anyone can see he isn't all that bright, I have also lost faith in the voting system to believe that such a moron was elected more than once. I mean, didn't you people WATch the debates? HE is an ass.

All in a day.

I had something I wanted to blog about, but that seems to have escaped me so it is time for some more rambling. Pet peeves. I think I am one of the most tolerable people I know. Maybe that's not entirely accurate, I just get internally pissed off and dont' do anything about it. One of my biggest pet peeves is when co-workers insist on inquiring about food you are eating. Look, I have a self-consiciousness about being judged by what I consume, but it's also needless 'small talk' and really usually dumb and obvious. And no, I don't like sharing either. Nevertheless, without fail I will be in the kitchen area, by myself, and someone will walk in and mutter something along the lines of;
"What's for lunch?" or "What do you have there?" "Whatcha eating?" or the more blatent "What is that?" None of your goddam business. 90% of the time it's something so obvious I want to tell them something completely off. Today it was "What's for lunch?" and I really don't know how to respond sometimes without sounding like an ass, because what I'm having for lunch is not what you're having for lunch. So instead of saying anything, I said nothing but just to smooth out ignoring her completely I threw in a "how's your day going?" not that I cared a bit. Just so you're not dying of curiousity it was speghetti, a fairly obvious dish. I should have said peanut butter and jelly.
Another pet peeve of mine is personal space. I like a lot of it, I bet you're surprised. Some people just don't have that need. It's not usually a problem, I let it go in the metro when we're all squished in like sardines, but if I"m at the grocery store you don't need to stand ON my sneakers, you'll get there eventually buddy. ATM lines are also ackward because you could end up on the sidewalk/street sometimes. Why exactly to they have brail on the drive up ATM's anyways? Just wondering.
Well this week has been pretty blurry thanks to all the allergies and drugs. I have decided I'll just stop taking things and see how I"m doing. So far, so good. I felt so drunk yesterday I didn't like it despite the fact it completely eradicated my appetite which I often wish there was a pill for. Dont' get me wrong, I like food, there are plenty of things I find pleasurable to eat, but there are also times when I just don't want to eat and the whole hunger thing is more annoying than anything else because I know I could stand to lose a few but my body doesn't want to let it go.
I'll say my final pet peeve of the day is obligations. I like doing nice things for people, but I hate feeling obligated -especially when it's ponying up money for people I don't know that well. Is there any end to asking for money at work? Baby showers, bridal showers, birthdays, xmas, it's always something. I wish I had more money and could do more really, but my husband hasn't brought home a paycheck this year and I'm a little tapped out. He's wearing on me as well with his constant whining about wanting to buy food. I can honestly say I would weigh 20 lbs less if I lived by myself. I would buy groceries like once a month tops and wait til there was not a scratch left in the cupboard (i'm a pretty creative cooker) before I bought more. But, I have little rug rat and I feel bad not buying things like milk, cereal, eggs, and bread. She hardly ever eats either. I'm a little off topic, I just feel bad because they are collecting money for the secruity guards new baby and I have none, 2 good friends are pregnant and I wish I could do more for them...I will volunteer to babysit though. I wiggle my way out of making a monetary contribution to my boss because she gave us a little (I do me little) gift card and it just felt like a dumb money exchange. I'll save that for the holiday bitch session though.
I'm so not a materialistic person (though I do like clothes/shoes) but I am feeling strained because my salary doesn't even cover my bills without eating or shopping or buying gas (i'm sure you can insert your own sarcasm here). I could do without cable and internet myself, but the freeloading husband whines he needs it for work- the internet anyways. His bills far exceed my own I'd also like to point out. The idea of booting him completey gives me a warm fuzzy feeling. The little one might object though. Again, I think I'm far too tolerant.

Well I finally went in for an allergy test after weeks of sufferring and crappy sleep and boxes of tissues. They put rows of liquid dots on you and then poke them with a sharp little metal thing to get them under your skin. Results; "that's very impressive!" Translation; you are really allergic to everything! Oh joy. A pile of perscriptions later and there's really not much else I can do but wait out the onslaught of pollen. It's dwindling, I can tell, I slept through the night twice already without any medication. My plan of attack for next year, if we are still here that is, is to go on an extended vacation as soon as the pollen starts breaking out. No one else seems to be sufferring as much as me, but Tim had his fair share last year.
So summer is coming. I find myself in the same old situation of uncertainty. Tim's job is not going as well as he'd like, neither is the search for a new one. We've done a lot of down-sizing, cost cutting, and selling, but we have a lot of bills that we can't change. His 2006 contribution to all these is roughly $700 so I've suggested he try substitute teaching to pick up some extra money and still be able to pick up our daughter from school since we only have one car. It just feels like such crap. We would've liked to buy something by now, not have to move again. I have what I consider a good job, I like it, but in this economy rent sucks up over half of my salary and preschool takes the rest. That doesn't leave anything for anything else. I feel bad, we were doing so well in NY and I really wanted to leave and now Tim can't find his niche. However, had we stayed in upstate, who knows what would've happened. It was so depressing there weather-wise. I always would've wondered about leaving too. AT least now, if I do go back, I don't have to wonder. I still don't want to though. The fact that there are no jobs for me there is as true now as it was then.
Last night I had a dream I was cleaning out aquariums. Lots of them. Most had fish, all different kinds, and one was a terrarium for turtles (I do have 2 turtles). I kept having to take them off this huge center stack/shelf and clean them out and refill them with fresh water for the fish and there was always another one to do, even though the biggest one in the middle was done. I think Tim was suppossed to be helping me, but dissappeared. At one point I forgot to put the water back in for the fish and a bunch of them died. I hurried to fill it up but most were already gone and floated. There seemed to be some unrest going on, everyone wanted a job (immigrants?) and at one point I was driving in a van with a man, someones father, maybe mine..and we stopped to help these people who were all climbing up this grassy hill by a river. There was a little boy and a girl I knew from HS, Stacy. She got in the van and we hurried to drive away leaving many behind. This is about where I woke up. The turtle tank does need a good cleaning.

What the heck. I am really less than thrilled with this whole format, it's really just not fun. Overall I'm just peeved that my company has blocked all access to my previous 'fun' blogging site of myspace. I had a nice little string going. Whatever.
Any-who, my latest rant is my damn allergies. I'm not even sure if that's what's wrong with me anymore. Could be a head cold or sinus infection at this point, but I'm desperate enough to try anythign including a vegan diet and supplements including freeze dried stinging nettles and echineacea. That shits not cheap either. Working? Well I've gone from intolerable itchy sneezy drippy down the throat to clogged up completely with occassional itchy eyes. The "dr" (funny how I've never acctually met the physician listed on my insurance card) perscribed allegra but said it would take at least 7 days to take full affect. I have been reduced to tears from the severity of my discomfort, but hey, 7 days is fine to decide whether or not the drug works. Right now I'm on the side of not working.
To make bad things worse, the AC on my complex by VA law can not be turned on til May. I don't know who goes around making laws based on dates instead of weather being that it's been in the 70's for a month now. This means I have to leave the windows open to avoid sweltering and thus letting the visible green layer of pollen enter the apartment and land smack dab on my pillowcase. It was suggested to me (by someone not quite as poor i'm assuming) that I just get a window unit until the central air is on. uhuh. Ok, then where do I put it when I don't need it? Maybe I could buy it at walmart , use it, and take it back. I hear they take back anything. I returned a used lamp once, they didn't even look in the box.
In the midst of my sufferring it's actually been busy at work too. A head honcho is here and the guys all have ties on- on friday none the less- and I'm sitting here in a t-shirt and dress slacks. Whatever, anyone can tell from my puffy eyes and nasal speech that I'm not 100%. When I was at the "dr" she said something along the lines that if I felt 85% better she'd add more drugs, at the time I even considered that a xmas miracle, now I know I was right. There is seriously NOTHING that is going to make this better aside from leaving the area. My head hurts so bad I think if I sneeze it might crack in two. I'm going to stop right now b/c even I don't want to hear myself whine any more!

Hi y'all! Well I'm somewhat pleased to see a little more selection in posting fonts. I found out this week all company computers have been blocked from my previous blogging spot on myspace. Actually with all the hype about myspace and the danger alerts of 'potential' sicko's I'm probably going to delete the profile completely. After all, I sit in front of a computer all day long 5 days a week, the LAST thing I want to do when I go home is plop in front of another computer to update myspace. Keeping up with friends after college has suddenly turned into a conscious effort?! I miss them all living down the hall, but surprisingly I have so many less clothing items and movies go missing...hm..
Nothing too exciting is going on today..I was teetering on the edge of nervous breakdown yesterday as my ever-loving husband had informed me that he's not getting paid, again. For anyone considering commission only, consider long and hard. I have not seen a dime from this man inside 2006 and I am sort of wishing he'd chosen a career at the local starbucks. At least they have health benefits and paychecks on a regular basis. Living in the DC area is just not possible on my megar salary either considering we have school loans (lots) a car to pay for, and a beautiful 3 year old who loves her preschool. I hate money, but I hate not having it even more and really can't keep going like this. I'm selling the car for a cheaper one with less miles to cut my payments, but there's little more I can cut. I don't buy lunch, I don't buy lattees, I don't have any designer clothes or shoes or purses or anything like that. All my bills being paid and I'm in the hole every month, more and more. It's not entertaining or funny but it's a blog and no one wants to listen to it so I write it.
I'm desperately hoping he can pull it together and get a real job, one that pays actual money. After I heard what my company paid for our ritzy Christmas party and what the brokers spend on our cocktail appreciation parties I had one comment; "cocktail shrimp don't pay the rent". This not to be ungrateful that we have parties, but only because we (general staff) don't get xmas bonuses while the assistants or speacialists directly under brokers do.
For awhile when I first moved to the area I lived with my brother..and his wife..and her sister. We got a four bedroom together but everyone was happy to leave that, it wasn't saving us very much money considering the therapy fees.
I grew up pretty poor now that I look back, so I know how it's done. I was looking forward to not having to buy genaric cheese since I did go to college and graduate school, but degrees dont' guarantee anything in life really. I think most people aren't using the one they got anyways. It's just really frustrating b/c I'm holding my end of the bargain up and he's not there holding his. It's been 5 years for what? What progress have we made? I'm sick of not being able to buy anything. It wasn't always like this, actually we've back tracked a bit. He was doing so well in Ny (not NYC) but we left thinking he'd do just as well. We were wrong, dead wrong, not even figured in the cards wrong. Now all the savings is gone, debt is piling up, we're tapped out. It's no ones' fault really. Well, maybe the Real Esate market. How is anyone suppossed to survive around here? My brother and his wife, son, and wife's sister are lviing in a 2 bedroom and she took a second job to cover rent and childcare costs. It's preposterous. They make over 100K a year, that should not merit poverty level. Of course, a big problem here is costs are skyrocketing while salary is stagnet. Another one is we just think we need more than we really do. Example; I say we are only buying necessities and nothing else. Husband says, ok I'll go to the store and get creamer, milk, eggs, oj..etc. When did international delights French VAnilla low-carb creamer sneak it's way onto my 'necessity' list? I can't wait to see what else snuck onto the list. I'm also bombarded daily with credit card offers and shiny catalogs of things I just "must have". On the whole I think I am very good at avoiding the actual purchase part, but..I can only resist for so long. Something comes along, birthday, holiday, husband promises of deals closing and cash coming; that somehow triggers a green light and I'll place an order which is never under $100 and then those items I just couldn't live without become another stale piece of my wardrobe I wish I could do better. I'm very interested in fashion, although I don't really dress the part. I think most designers fit that bill really. They never look how you think they are going to.
So I do know many tips on saving/not spending but honestly, when there are two people on one income it's hard to keep both people in check 24/7. To save on rent we are looking to relocate to a new city where housing is 42% cheaper, which, rent being more than half of my salary...would be a substantial assistance.