Ah, Christmas week. The week at work where the staff sits around staring at the clock and the brokers are all off skiing in Vermont or Utah or wherever. I think I mentally checked out the day I woke up to 6 inches of snow. Then we got about 30 inches more and it was all over. School was cancelled for the rest of the week making my kid officially on Christmas break. At least I got Monday off.

I'm actually impressed I had enough to do to keep myself busy for the morning. Asking around tomorrow is technically a full day, but I'll be surprised if we get half-attendance. I don't know why they don't just give everyone more vacation time. You're at school for 20-some years enjoying 104 days of vacation and then all the sudden you get 10-15 days a year. That's just mean.

Once we got all of this snow, no one really knows what to do with it. Our condo people sent out a letter beforehand telling people what not to do, but sure enough, they all did it anyways. (Piles chairs/cones in the spots where they moved cars out of despite being unassigned). I missed seeing this much accumulation, but it is making things hard to get around in. They did not even deliver my mail on Saturday and I thought that was the sort of day the post office lived for. Just to prove what devoted employees they are, to get that mail out, no matter what. Well, I guess that just didn't happen. Not that I want anyone risking their life to deliver my JCrew catalogs and credit card statements, i'm just surprised a bunch of fluffy snow stopped them in their pre-holiday delivering tracks.

We took the Jeep out this weekend mostly to get out of the house and stopped by a few stores. Sunday Petsmart had one employee and she had the front door locked and was only letting people in to buy pet food and things that didn't require her to fish animals out of habitats. Smart. I probably would have just put up a Closed sign and hid behind the counter. Home Depots' employees all managed to make it in but they had no snow shovels and decided they'd bolt a piece of plywood on a stick and sell those for $4. Inventive. I asked a guy holding an actual snow shovel where he got that, his response was not unlike Smee in Lord of the Rings when someone asks to look at the Ring. I left him to cuddle his orange snow shovel in aisle 10 and pressed on to get my second entry mat for the back door.

On the ride back 2 snow plows (dump trucks with salt dispensers strapped to them) blocked 3 lanes of traffic and sat through 2 green light changes before we drove around them, a mini van sat abandoned at an intersection covered in snow but not in a ditch or anything (passed it again this morning, still there, still covered in snow, with a dent in the side now), and lanes were partially plowed causing funnels of traffic. All in all I'm glad they gave us at least one snow-day off but there were plenty of dangers out there today and I feel for the emergency vehicles that attempt to get through 3 lanes of traffic that are boxed in by 3 feet of snow on both sides. I'm sure they'll be talking about this storm for years to come. I just hope it sticks around til xmas!

Well Ho-Ho-Ho and Happy holidays to you! Being as I have a library of useless images on my desktop I've used in blogs, I"m sure this is a recycled one but enjoy Hermie none-the-less. I have felt that this year I'm a little early with my holiday preparations, I was putting together the yearly update photo-scrapbook compliments of snapfish in early November. It was also the first year we did not drive upstate to NY and spend half of our Thanksgiving weekend in the car, so I had a nice loooooooong weekend in which the 7-year-old insisted we get out ALL the Christmas decorations and GET a Christmas tree. And since, she's the decision maker on most things, we did. Christmas prep complete before December even roared it's head. I have also not send out Christmas cards since....I can't even remember but guess what? They went out BEFORE Thanksgiving this year. I guess I could have waited on that one, but when I have a stack of addressed cards it's just HARD not so send them out and feel accomplished. I would have liked to pose the whole crew in front of the house in bad christmas sweaters, but I guess that will have to wait for another year.

I'm not really sure what my rush is this year. Maybe I'm just bored. Maybe it's the influence of the media and stores putting up Santa right after Halloween. I don't know, I just recall not being ready at ALL last year and now I find myself wrapping presents on NOvember 30th under a fully decked-out evergreen while it's 60 degrees out. I kind of felt like an idiot. I also felt like a complete moron standing in line at 440AM waiting for Target to open this past Friday too, but once I was there, I wasn't leaving until I got my half price electronics. There's a first -and mostly likely last- for everything.

But I think perhaps that the most likely reason of all (extra hoiday points if you know where I pulled that from) may be that this has been a shitty year(s) and I'm ready for some cheer(s). After nixing last years holiday celebrations completely and suffering a paycut and management tier just leaving, we're officially out of debt at my company and having a small holiday happy hour. Granted, it's a friggin Tuesday, but I'll take what I can get and it's a small sign that there may be a light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully, one that will include my pay-raise reinstated, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. In the meantime, bring on the sales, it's shopping season!

I just realized the world has more crazy people than not.

I don't make much time to listen or keep up with too many news stories, so my daily 'news' comes from sporadic paper reading, Daily Soup, Weekend Updates with Seth Myers, and the good old Hot 99.5 radio station on the way to work. I did however hear from someone about some boy that was supposedly adrift in a weather balloon but luckily was not, just hiding out in the attic. Oh, that's good he's safe, right?

Wrong!

He's not safe because aparently his parents are 3-ways crazy. CRAZY. HOw so you ask? Well, if you did not hear it already here is proof:

1. The kids name is FALCON. Yes, like the bird. Ironic I know.
2. The family was on Wife Swap. I think that says it all. There are no 'normal' people on wife swap for that would make some boring television as we all know.
3. They FAKED it. The whole thing was a friggin SHAM. When pressed on Larry King as to why the little Falcon did not come when the parents were 'frantically' calling for him this poor child stuttered out to his daddy:

"..um..cuz..you said...you said we did it for the show.."

That is right friends, the did it for the show. This poor kid is being raised by crazy-ass, media hungry -professed alien decendants- parents. Yes, you caught that one, they are on tape from wife swap saying they are direct decendants of alien mom and pop. Does that scream social service loud enough for you or should we leave a helium filled balloon in our backyard with our little son Falcon unattended and then call channel 7 news instead of 911 when it floats off again?

wow. Having a small child I can only imagine the damage being done to his fragile physche by these 2 freaks. I feel bad enough going with this tooth-fairy scam still. None the less forcing him into a nationwide tv scam and following it up with talk-show interviews one of in which the poor kid literally VOMITS from what I can only imagine is guilt/anxiety from realizing that no one else was in on the 'joke'.

Good lord.

They follow this up with the fact some woman in labor decides to get back in her car and drive to another state because she doesn't want a C-section even though the other 3 children she had before this one arrived that way. I imagine she may change her mind when her stomach decides to split open but why trust an actual doctor who has been to actual medical school? I'm sure you know best. Let's just skip out on all those pesky vaccinations while we're at it too because that whole mumps/measles/rubella thing is sooooooooooo overated.

Welp, it's been awhile and I could fain super-busy, but I'd have to cry Bullshit on that and I REALLY hate that 'busy' excuse for anything because I'm a firm believer in 'if you want to, you will'. Nuf said on that.

Mostly I haven't blogged b/c nothing has inspired one. Well, aside from time to kill- I was inspired this morning.

I will never claim to be the worlds' best driver (or anything for that matter) and I am quick to wave when I know I've pulled off a dick-move to stave off any car-rage that may be simmering under the surface of my fellow road-sharing friends. And there are a lot of them around here. Today I think I really ticked one off.

I was cruising on down the 95-only lane (directly adjacent to the HOV lane but about 20 cars shorter of a line to the traffic light) and when the light turned green, I hit my little gas pedal and cut off the red VW in the HOV entry lane. Sorry man, I got places to go in as little time as possible. I felt slightly bad since we've the same make of vehicle on a comraderie stand-point, but I promised not to go slow in front of them. Well either that little red engine had some fire brewing up inside that I just lit, or they were a jerk in general and I had every right to cut them off at the pass because no sooner did we round the bend to the HOV lanes ahead then they cut me off just to get onto the highway. No hurt there, touche my friend.

Then it got better.

This red VW jetta proceeded to cut off every other car in alternating lanes to climb their way up to the nearly dead-stop traffic that was not 400 yards ahead. Clearly pointless. Did that stop him/her? Oh no! This person would gun it and cut into the smallest gap causing whomever was just cut off to slam on the brakes and they did this over and over again weaving their way up. This brings me to my new favorite word for traffic-time and anytime in general:

unbe-fucking-leivable.

I'm sure after that little display that I did not inspire them completely. That little twig was fairly snapped before they got in the car this morning. And really, who is in that much of a hurry to get to work anyways? What good is that doing you when we are just creeping along at 10 mph anyways? If I had been the happy straw on that camels back I have more than a few commuters to apologize to! I'm not sure if I'm ready for that responsibility, and wouldn't you know, the hold up from today was some sort of accident which was probably caused by some other dick-head pulling some stupid move in order to be at work 2.6 seconds faster. Not worth it my friend, just not worth it.

Hate of the Day.

Soooooooooooooooooooo...anyone that lives in this area of MD/DC/VA knows that the capitol beltway is a huge mess lately. They've decided they're going to widen it and make some 'HOT' lanes which translate into either High Occupancy or Toll lanes for those sans extra bodies. All well and good. Also known as 'Lexus Lanes' for those of us who can barely afford to buy the gas it takes to get to work as it is. I'm sure the new lanes will be full of BMW's and Mercedes and my boss's shiny Lexus. That said, the whole getting there part is a mess.
I've previously mentioned the fact they are tearing down every tree in VA to do this. Aside from that, the lanes we have on the beltway keep getting taken away/moved/adjusted to accommodate the construction and it's (smells like literal dirt in here for no reason) a guess where you'll be needing to manuver to adhere to new traffic patterns. It's also just making the time it takes to get from A to B about double what it usually is...which I'm sure defeats the whole purpose of making new lanes and who knows how long this is going to take. I'm sure they have a timeline, but I make timelines for a living and assure you...we're just guessing 99% of the time and therefore wrong 99% of the time.
Sweet.
Example: it normally takes me about 30 mins. door to door to travel the 8 miles on the beltway from Springfield to Tysons, VA. Today: 51 mins.
Take 395 double the distance to DC takes me about 30 mins. at the same time of day.
I swear, I could walk and it would be about the same time-wise and less frustrating..only NO ONE walks anywhere around here. It is the most non-walking friendly area on the planet. I park adjacent to the mall parking and I feel more comfortable driving to the next parking lot than ackwardly dodging the in-between traffic to walk over there. (Oh Sephora you are worth it!) I also read in my oh-so-fun commercial real estate articles I get emailed me daily that VA (Tysons in particular) has more parking spots than actual residents and almost triple that of DC itself in the way of parking. I told you they were trying to pave the entire state.
16 mph was my average this morning. Granted, it's better when I go home -usually. But I've also had it be exactly the same. It comically takes me the same amount of time to move down the entire length of the onramp to 495 that is does to drive the rest of the way home. I kid you not.
In conclusion, I am not a beltway fan. I avoid it at all costs. Same goes with 95. You totally suck 95. and 66. This memorial day weekend when my parents are camping out somewhere where it requires me to take 66, I will be looking on an actual paper map for some way to avoid that entirely. Yes, we need the new metro extension to Tysons and the new HOT lanes will hopefully help, but in the meantime...suckage!!!!! Avoidance not always an option...and what pisses me off even more is I heard at original construction of the beltway they had planned to make 2 or 3 with that much more capacity...only they didn't! Why? Because they could not imagine a need for that much space or DC ever becoming that populated. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhht...why would the capitol of the United States ever become a popular place to live or work?!?
Un-be-lievable.

Although debating on whether to blog about the guy standing out at the corner this morning with his "I cheated..." sign or how much I love waffles and hate crohns', I have recalled another topic of discussion I've wanted to clear up:

These 2 guys confuse the crap out of me. Jerry O'connell and Jason Bateman are actually 2 different individuals I understand...but I can never tell them apart. One of them was on some Hogan show back circa Family Ties and one of them is married to Rebbeca former mrs. uncle jesse, but I can never tell which is which. Ok Jerry married Mrs. Uncle Jesse and has twin girls and is now attending law school out of shear boredom i'm guessing. The other one is in the new Extract movie with Vanessa -High School musical -Hudgens and Ben Afflack. I think. I never see them in anything related together so whenever i see one of them, I think it's the other one, and then I thought for ahwile Jason Bateman was a stage name Jerry had...is anyone else lost here?

IN my search for ways to tell them apart I find I share a birthday with Jerry O'Connell and he was suppossed to play BAiley on Party of 5 but backed out for something else..(lucky lucky Scott Wolf) he was born in 1974..
Jason on the other hand was born in 1969 on Jan 14th, was apparently on Silver Spoons -I loved that show I don't remember him at all- directed VAlerie..he wasn't on that? I finally dug up it was Jason Bateman on the Hogan Family show I remembered. That makes sense, Jerry would've been too young at the time.

Obviously I'm swamped at work today. Well, I'll still have to wonder who's-who but I feel I've a special connection with birthday-sharing Jerry now. Wonderful for me.

Happy Anniversary to me! Oh -and my husband! Looking for any excuse what-so-ever to eat cake, I wandered over to Hello Cupcake on CT ave and picked up a few. Of course, I'm not waiting til after dinner to try this. I had the 'You Tart' and I think I may have died and gone to heaven where cupcakes are all I get to eat and they are fat free and low cal. ONly they're not. And I'm still at work so I'm pretty sure I didn't die.

So good. I think of myself as a sort of conisour of cupcakes based solely on the fact that I really, really, really like cake. Like Romeo kind of liked Juliette. Like the greek dude was a little upset about Helen of Troy skipping out on him. I am attempted to work my way through the Hello Cupcake cookbook (which incidently has no affiliation with this bakery of the same name) and there are a lot of new cupcake places in town to sample. I have been to Cake Love in Shirlington and the CakeLove on U street ( I don't think these affiliate either) and my sister-in-law has her own cupcake biz where I steal all the leftovers and I bake myself, just not to this caliber. Anyways, so far, I swear that 'Yo Tart' lemon cupcake from Hello Cupcake was the best thing I have ever eaten- period. It was like having a lemon square on a cupcake but light and fluffy without feeling sick or too sweet. It was like pie meets cake and they have this love-child and all the children are so jealous of its' unfloundering beauty, athleticism, and intelligence they don't want to play with them on the playground so there they are, all alone whirling slowly around on the spinny thing while a single beam of light highlights their untouchable brilliance, harps play a chorus and birds sing out of nowhere, while casting shadows on everyone elses' inadiquencies. You know what I mean. That good. I don't even know how i'm going to ever eat anything again knowing that is out there, just being better.

That good.

General Comments from my Sick Day on the Couch

I consider it a special treat to lay around watching crap on tv. I get especially excited over most Bravo shows and a good run of TLC. I have to say though, not all of my favorite TLC show 'What not to Wear' is helpful to these poor people. This has to be the 3rd or 4th show where they cut the woman's hair off and she's practically crying but obligated to say something fairly nice to the hair butcher. I really think they need a new guy here. He looks like Guy Fiore from Drive Ins and Dives and has just made this petite woman with a huge mane look like a gym teacher. I feel for her. Yes, she needed a good trim and some layers, but holy crap. She went to lesbo land. Also, not the first 'transformation' where they make the victim look 20 years older than they did dressing like "a 13 year old boy". I don't know. I know they need help, but it just isn't always helpful. I have a hard time considering them taking up this new personas' on a regular basis.

Am I really an unloving parent if I buy generic peanut butter Jiff? REally?

I'd also like to tell the Today show that shamelessly 'exclusively' booking the 7 year old that stole a car and his family for a free trip to NYC was in no way teaching him a lesson. Turns out a police chase, running stop signs, and then running from the police in general can get you on TV with the sole consequence being 4 days with no tv or video games. Huh, 4 days? I'm sure MY 7 year old will be happy to learn that she is too young to press charges and her only goal in life (getting on tv) is only a car chase away. THANKS TODAY SHOW. GREAT ROLE MODEL YOU GOT THERE. If anyone else saw this interview with the smug-unapologetic 7 year old Preston I'd like to hear if I'm alone that this was a very ackward interview that taught no one a lesson. Kind of like those after-school specials that taught every teenage girl how to be anorexic and bulimic so people will pay more attention to you. Yup, super helpful. Kind of like those tv shows "16 and pregnant". Excellent idea. No one that can be misinterperated or encourage teenage pregnancy at all since teenagers hate the idea of being on tv and no shows are targeted towards them at all.

Oh Oh Jon & Kate. Don't give me crap about your kids wanting to be on this show any longer. I sincerely think that is BS. I can imagine that they've actually asked NOT to have cameras in their face 24-7 and your response went something like this:

"If we don't let the cameras come in we won't have money to throw your birthday parties or feed your puppies organic food. We'll have to give all your toys away and never go on vacation. Do you want your puppies to starve to death? Well, do you??"




"That's what I thought."


-Back to TLC. This would be the 2nd woman to put on pajamas and declare that no one can TELL they are pajamas. Who are you trying to kid?? Blind people can tell you are wearing pj's. Everyone has fashion faux pas days, but I draw the line at declaring the average person can not TELL you are wearing pajamas. They are pajamas. I don't know what else they could be interperated as. You want to wear your VS' yoga pants to the grocery store -fine! But the only acceptable time for me to see my neighbors pj's are when they are fetching the paper from their doorstep. You are not 18 and wandering to an 8am lecture. You are also on national television. NATIONAL TELEVISION. These people do this for a living. I can't imagine admitting you wear pajamas and then ARGUING that no one can tell. YES, we ALL CAN TELL. Blasphemy.

Stupid Walmart. You should tell people you have lobsters for $9 a lb. They are fab. Otherwise I hate you and your rollback prices. I almost had an anxiety attack trying to buy a mop on a Saturday. You'd think there was a snowstorm coming and they had the last loaf of bread in town.

Fruit of the Loom underware is not a school supply.

18 children is unholy. God will tell you he's dumbfounded and disappointed in you. I only have one and I can barely scrape the energy to play with her everyday. Do they even know their parents? Homeschooling is for socially ackward future terrorists.


She's carrying her $5000 What not to Wear gift card in a plastic ziplock sandwich baggy. WOW. I didn't get the whole purse thing until I had a job and a kid, but...what's up with that sandwich baggy? Ever hear of a wallet? They even have ones made of duct tape. You can get a hello-kitty velcro one at Claires or spend $9.99 and get a fabulous one at Marshalls, but ....um....this woman is in her 30's and doesn't own a wallet?? Where do they FIND these people?? Oh lord, now she's crying. How shopping evokes CRYING is beyond me. Free money, shopping, you'd think there wasn't but tears of JOY to be shed. I sincerely don't get it. It's not like you're trying on bathing suits on national television. SUCK-it the FUCK up. At least until the hair-butcher gets hold of you.

Secrest out.

$ = Divorce.

Exhibit A:

I had a thought awhile ago that celebrities in general don't get divorced more often because it's soooooooo much harder to maintain a relationship, it's because they can afford to. Many older relatives that endured crappy relationships -and I ask why they stayed- told me they'd stayed because there was no where else to go. I get that. It's sad, but I get that. A bunch of kids and one income, where are you going to go? Marriage is a tough one. Forever is a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time. If marriage liscenses expired, I'm not sure how many would get renewed. If one had the means to live a perfectly debt-free life minus one nagging spouse, I'm sure they would run for Door Number 2. I'm not saying it's easy, but money gives you a choice. Being poor does not.

Now I have watched Jon & Kate Plus 8 for a couple years now ever since I discovered it on my cable guide and got curious. I love me some multiples. I have an on-going obsession with the Dionne quituplets from way back and have an old ad of theirs for Karo syrup framed in my kitchen. I have been hooked on them ever since some Lifetime special surely profited from their sad story of complete exploitation and misery. I still have that on some dusty VHS for anyones interested. Anyways, as sad as that story ended -exploitation central- I thought that the Jon&Kate show was pretty cute. They were all at home, the kids didn't know any different, they liked the crew, all was well.
I watched it with my daughter and got to tell each sextuplet apart and watch them grow up. So cute. I did notice over time that Kate was getting thinner and blonder, and with that, bitchier. Diets will do that to a girl. If I was being filmed I'd definitely be questioning my usual intake that's for sure. You know what also happened? Jon noticed he wasn't looking so stellar anymore. He started working out, got the hair plugs, and inevitabley they both started getting recognized. Anyone that first saw this show in my presense said one thing: she is horrible to him. Guess what people probably told him over and over and over. Complete strangers coming up to Jon and saying; "your wife is a bitch. She's awful, why do you put up with it?" I think that would make anyone questions their relationship. Then I'm sure there were plenty of ladies that also said he could do much better. And you know what? He's aiming to find out.
Do you think this would have happened without the show? HELL NO. No money + 8 kids = working for real. Because talk show appearances and book signings don't count as "work" in my book. Whatever Kate, keep telling yourself that. Without that show buying you publicity and book deals = No divorce. No one would have known what their relationship was like except for them and he seemed fine with it for a long time. If they didn't see themselves on film they wouldn't have saught to look better, no one would have recognized them, and they'd just have each other. Maybe with some carbs in her Kate would have been a smidge less of a bitch anyways. I know I am.
Although Kate likes to think that this would have happened with or without the show, I say BULLSHIT. You'd be working doubles at the hospital and he'd be at the office and you'd both be way to tired to pursue anything else. If you cant' afford a divorce, you don't get one.
I'm sorry it happened to these 8 adorable kids, well 7 adorable ones and one explosive ball of mis-guided, underappreciated emotion anyways. Of course no one is perfect, and that was part of the appeal of the show. Normalsy -and that serious facination with multiples in general - but now, they are just a bunch of snobby rich people who whine and bitch and complain when they've obviously been giving some serious opporunities.
Hello! that Hawaii vacation when you looked your kids dead in the eye and said "mommy and daddy will be together forever!!" yeah, that was FREE for you and I looked it up, that room goes for like 30K a night. A NIGHT. I wouldn't get in that place if I dressed up like housekeeping, carried a mop around and begged to get in. That was also some serious forshadowing and a huge slice of irony pie. I can't believe they aren't playing that clip back-to-back with her shedding tears solo on a $2900 suede loveseat. I've also been increasingly annoyed with the matchy-matchy outfits. My kid is 6 and has been picking out her own clothes since she could waddle over to the dresser. You think you'd stop dressing them up like billboards (crookedhouses.com anyone?) with all of America hanging on your every judgement call. I'm sorry but it's hard for me to have sympathy for you. I have it for your kids. Good luck with that whole 'normal life' thing you've been striving for. I guess McDreamy was right, Can't Buy me Love, oh wait, he had $1000 that says it can.

How NOT to Have People Show up to a Birthday Party

Ah, the childrens' birthday party. No one really wants to have them, no one really wants to attend them, and yet, we all do it FOR THE KIDS! Yet, I'm sure it wasn't a kid that wanted to bring home a bag of useless crap after one of these shin-digs, it was a grown-up that started that tradition that we can't seem to shake. And although my kid is looking for that goody-bag before we even get there, she will not even take things out of it once she gets it. Instead, it will sit on a shelf until I inevitabley chuck the whole thing in the trash. I'd like to think I hand out more useful items, but let's be honest, I don't.

Since my daughters birthday falls in the summer, I'm elated not to be required to invite all 24 children in her class. That said, it's also monumnetally more difficult tracking down the kids she does want to invite since summer is in full swing and they aren't at texting-age just yet. When I do invite the kids, I just hope and pray they do come because there is nothing like a sad little girl wondering where so-and-so is when the parents didn't bother to RSVP or even TELL the kid about the party. RSVP is kind of a required yes or no I thought. Although it seems perhaps a communication breakdown in childrens' party etiquitte, I can sum up how to certainly have people NOT show up to your party. All of these things having occurred in multiple previous invites:

1. Give us the wrong address. There is nothing like trying to find a house that doens't exist. Although it's cute to have your kids fill out the invite, you may want to proof the sucker. Which brings me to #2:

2. Give us the wrong phone number to RSVP. Like i'm making this up. Yes, stranger, i'd like to say we're coming to a birthday party at your house on saturday. Oh, what's that? You're not having a party?...this just doesn't bode well for anyone involved.

3. Hand out invites 2 days before the party. Um...what? I need more than 2 days notice to pencil in a shower on some days, now you expect me to go buy a gift?! Travel arrangements? I need time to make that happen people, so unless you want something I haven't used yet out of my linen/storage closet, and nothing says happy birthday like a 4-pack of 60 watt bulbs, I suggest you put a little more thought into your timing.

4. Have the party on a weekday, mid-day. Look, hoorah for you not working. What about the rest of us?

5. Neglect to say who the party is actually for. Please. Please do not make me guess these things. I'm no good at guessing games. I'm almost certain the invitations have fill-ins for all this required info. If I have to suscept myself to ackward phone calls to complete strangers I"m likely going to take door #2 and just not.

I'm sure I've certainly messed things up a time or two, and it's hard explaining everything on a 3x4 Hannah Montana invite, but I'm pretty sure to double check names/phone numbers so people can call if they have questions on venues or what-not. I have not gotten, but understand there is also registering at Toys R Us for parties. That would scare me right off. You've outpriced me right there by taking the time to wander a warehouse full of toys and let your kid pick out whatever they want. Wow, really? The more I think about it, the worse I think that is. Honestly people. That's one step under that freak from Housewives giving her 11 year old 2 Louis Vuittons' because one "just didn't seem like enough". Ok. O...K......no sense of reality. That's what I think.

I can tell when I'm getting bored with my life. I tend to look for some chaos to throw into it. I used to move on a regular basis but now that I have accumulated more stuff that fits into my car, oh and that pesky mortgage thing (you know the UPSIDE down one) that's kind of out. I added another dog to the mix and it hasn't been a whole year with that one, but it feels like it's been 5. I'm running out of things to amuse myself with basically. I've moved all the furniture that I can, and I'm bored. I think the next chaotic move would be to have another kid. Although, I'm sure that if anyone thought enough about this subject, they would choose not to, so I'm not going to weigh any costs and benefits on that.

I layed awake for a good 2 hours last night dwelling over my mothers' day shopping spree. What I bought, what I was going to wear what with, what I was going to inevitably return, what I didn't buy that maybe I should've. You know, useless crap to think about that ultimately has no effect on anyone including myself. This is a banner of boredom. The fact that I can't stop thinking about sorting this stuff out and returning the jeans that are literally a foot too long, is just plain sad. The fact that I spent 3 hours in one store and came to work wearing nothing I purchased yesterday, is also quite pathetic.

A couple good friends are leaving (have left) my place of employment and I have a twinge of the jump-ship feeling. Of course, I'm delighted for them moving on, moving up, but it also makes me realize that I'm not. Then I wonder what I want to do for the rest of my life, and I'm not sure. Maybe that whole concept is making me fairly antsy. Mostly because this isn't it. I think professional ballet dancer is probably out too. Scratch the veterinarian gig, that fizzeled in grad school. I'm pretty sure everything is better near the beach and palm trees though. I'm also sure that would clear up some seasonal allergy issues. I really should be home in bed watching Millionaire Matchmaker under my Garnet Hill quilt and popping sudafed right now. Instead, I have dragged my cold back into work to ponder my thoughts and update html's. This is why I'm bored.

Know when to hold 'em.

It may have just dawned on me that I don't actually know how to do my job. I mean, I make it through the day alright, but I'm really not computer savy for having to work with html code and well, computers all the time. I get hot flashes when people come to me to resolve their own computer issues because honestly, I have no idea. I'm not a tech. We have a tech. Try there first. In fact, try there exclusively. You'll probably get better results and then I won't have to feel dumb for not knowing the answer to your dilema.

I have to say that usually, when programs are not doing what their suppossed to, even the tech guy has no idea why or how to fix. It almost makes me feel better that whenever I ask him a questions, he doesn't have a clue how to fix it. Almost. Maybe he just sucks at his job too.

Example: I am a graphic designer. This blog is lamely set up. (maybe just overall lame but lets be nice for now). I do not know how to fix it. In fact, me trying to fix it yesterday fucked it up so bad I had to find something else entirely to replace it with. I'd love to set it up with a fixed image and make it look all snazzy, but again, I have no idea how to do this. I dropped out of my Flash course because it wasn't required and I didn't need the credits. My bad. I just pray that print graphics don't become obsolete anytime soon. That would mean I become obsolete as well. Although if I could get myself some severence it would force me to find something else...although I'm pretty sure I'm REALLY bad at that so best to just leave things the way they are for now. I'm not ready to dive into a world of attempting to write a romance novel just yet.

Pig Flu Party

It would seem that the whole world is pretty obsessed with this pig-flu. Oh Wilber, what could you have done to deserve this fate? A once adorable icon has turned foul. While I am grateful that I reside in a state that (so far) has no official cases, I think maybe people are over-reacting a tad. The radio station I listen to played a re-mix of some pig-flu song this morning. It wasn't as bad as you'd think. Phrases such as "world-wide epidemic emminent" do not give off too many warm fuzzies though. I have also been told that the regular old winter-type flu that everyone fights over getting shots to prevent managed to kill off 36,000 people last year. Now, i don't know if that is true, but it makes a hell of a show compared to what MIss Piggy has downed so far. And that is about all I want to give to that subject.

The economy also tops our list of fun-subjects lately. Our company sends out daily 'Headlines' to keep people abreast (ha ha I doubt I spelled that right) of current issues in our ever-exciting world of commercial real estate. Let's be honest, I normally delete that crap without even glancing at it, but it's been a slow day in the office so far so I read a few. This article:

http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2009/apr/30/signs-seen-of-recession-bottoming-growth-possible-/

highlights the face that spending has INCREASED this first quarter by 2.2%. ONe would think, Hey! That's great maybe my mortgage will soon level off with what my house was assessed for! Then you read this:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/04/30/AR2009043001583.html

and they say March spending was down .2% and we're all pretty doomed in general. Oh. I think the lesson learned here is you can spin the numbers whatever way you want to get the result you are looking for. Sitting directly next to our head researcher for some time and including these 'numbers' in my bodacious graphic designs, I already knew that. Yes, we actually do almost make shit up to fit whatever we want it to look like. If I know to the degree we swing stuff, I can Only Imagine the crap they cook up over at the Pentagon.

My last rant of the day is regarding Sally-do-gooder of the office. Yes, we are all dripping with pride that you support breast cancer, and Lymphoma research, and Lukemia, hell is there anything you don't have a bumper sticker for? But listen, I can barely afford ramen noodles so I am sorry I can't buck up $86 for your benefit dinner, I"m not donating a Saturday to run for any cures (i'll die from an allergy attack ALONE), and I don't appreciate being guilted by your spam of emails on any of these subjects. It probably wouldn't bother me if it was ONE email per event. It's not. Sally likes to repeatedly email EVERYONE on a DAILY basis for weeks before every event in an attempt to raise the guilt level into submission. Unfortunately, I think it usually just pisses most people off into scoffing her and blocking her emails entirely. Secondly, they are pages long of text. I don't know what they say, but i'm sure it could be accomplished in a much, MUCH, shorter synapsis of the event and what it benefits. Then, Sally dear, you may actually get a response a little more to your liking then the simultaneous "click" of a hundred delete buttons when that puppy lands in everyones' inbox. Just a thought.

Ok Monday, you win.

I have to say that it could just be my imagination, or getting to and from work is becoming increasingly difficult. It seems there is always some major (or minor) catastrophe impeding me from getting to my destination at a normal (for here) pace ineveitably making walking the 16 miles to work a faster option. Like I need a reason not to come to work. (another one anyways).

Today was no exception. ONly, it was Monday morning, beautiful outside, full of hope and promise...you know aside from the laundry list of health issues I've dealt with the recent months that continues to literaly make my hair fall out. Please stop doing that hair, I take back what I said about you previously. Today, as much as I didn't want to go, like trying to shove a cat in a carrier for the vets' office, I was off to the dentist. How I love to hear the cynical voice asking me how often I floss when clearly the answer is: never. About as much as I love my teeth being scraped with a metal hook. I was grinning (well not really) and baring it the best I could. I didn't even go to Dunkin Donuts like I always do afterwards. Just my little way of sticking it to the man, which I also realize is unbelievably counter-productive after the dentist spends 20-30 mins. scraping plaque off my teeth but it's just worth it.

Believe it or not, me sitting around for an unbelievable HOUR at the dentist wasn't my gripe of the morning...although I did notice a stone is missing off my sandles so if anyone sees a giant fake daimond at the springfield dentist give me a shout...No. Again, even at 10:F-ing-fifteen AM, I round my way onto 395 N and come to a hault. Why I ask?! Everytime. I see HOV moving just fine. Should have gone the long way and got on there. W-h-a-t-EVA. I creep along and bail to HOV at the digital "Accident Ahead" sign and hey, should have guessed, so did everyone else and I'm at a dead stop again. The gods do not want me to go to work.

I tried to snap a picture while stick-shifting but I was behind a Lemonade stand. You know, one of the carts they haul out at county fairs and carnivals that usually sells yummy crap like Fried Dough and Candy apples. Not this one. This one, aside from the Lemonade printed Prominently across the top, sold "Stuffed Cabbage Sandwiches". Ooooh, yum. I think I burnt a quarter tank of gas creeping my way into DC. To add to my fun adventures, they continued over the Memorial Bridge because for no reason what-so-ever (and that's usually the case here) they closed off an entire road that half the traffic usually takes down to 23rd St. OH COME the fuck on. REally?! I literally could have walked here faster. Then, when I got here, hugely late, the valet was probably sleeping in someones car like he was last time and I had to call to find someone to take my keys.

I do realize that living around a city and commuting is not always fun, but it just seems to get harder everyday. It just seems that traffic has been massive, not moving, and I always pick the wrong road to be on. Add in accidents, ambulances, road closures, parades, and protests and that pretty much sums it up. Although I'd almost welcome public transport, it would cost me about $18 a DAY so it's actually cheaper to screw the earth and drive. Although, when I do take the metro I can see how that could lead to even more griping.

And Just because my horoscope said I was going to have a hugely pessimistic day, I think I'll come up with a few "I'm so grateful fors".

I'm grateful: my nails are looking better since the Vitamin D kicked in.
it's sunny out.
I have such a loving family.
endless possibilities.

Thats all I got. Wow, I am pessimistic.

Boring Tuesday
I wish I had something more interesting to comment on besides the randomly sucky traffic and the various states of my hair, but it's a slow day. I have successfully spent the majority of it updating good-old facebook after dogging the legitimy of it and the creepiness of my parents generation on it in general.

Sooooooooooo, I got a flyer shoved into my door the other day. (I'd like to say I'm pretty sure you're not suppossed to solicite in my condo-community and everyDAY i have shit shoved in my door I'd rather not get) This was actually from the condo-peeps (you'd think they'd want to down-play the constant chinese food menu's distributed but maybe they have a thing for kung-pau chicken) and it was for a nice community 'Adult' movie night. Now immediately my little eyebrow shot up at the term 'Adult' movie. The last time I sat around with a group watching porn I'm pretty sure it was in a dorm room and I was three sheets to the wind. Of course, dirty mind, I sincerely doubt that's what they had in mind but I also noticed a little foot note on the bottom "*children under 12 must be accompanied by an adult".
?
Well for Fucks-sake, no kidding?! You want to have an 'Adult' movie night where I pull out my favorite R-rated films and yet you are not excluding the under 12 crowd in general?! What kind of show are you running here? I've already learned the hard way you don't watch Wedding Crashers in front of your 3-year old if you don't want them learning phrases such as "Jackass". I get that some people don't have, cant' find, or maybe afford babysitters, but that just means you don't go to the adult-only events. If I had any intention of sitting in some uncomfortable folding chair with community popcorn and voting on a lame R-rated film to watch, I sure as hell wouldn't want someone elses' children in the mix. That kind of makes the 'adult' part mute, null, and void. Might as well cancel group porn night if you're letting in the kids.

Real Medicine

See that right there? I'm going to need lots of that. In my search of such lovely imagery I also found this:


What's that? Chocolate "Hiballs" filled with Scotch and Vodka? Say it isn't so. K HIBALLS from K Chocolatier and Diane Krön are filled with Blue Label Scotch and Ketel One Vodka. Now you are talking. I'll have to go home and carve out the easter bunnys' head and give that little combo a try. Nothing says 'responsible adult' like getting trashed in front of your kid while simultaneously shanghai-ing their Easter candy.

What is my deal this time you wonder? My hair is falling out. Not a metaphoric word-play distress way; a literal comb it and it's still in there when you move your arm away from your body way. Lots and lots of it. This would be the work of an evil steroid known as prednisone. Do not take this drug. EVER. I don't care what miracles it cures, it makes your face fat, and when you try and go off it, all your hair falls out. Ok, maybe not ALL of it, yet, but I've seriously shed half of my volume I swear. I have a scheduled haircut I've been looking forward to but I'm not sure if I'll have any left to cut. Now I have more reasons not to look at the mirror. I was using that hair, I'm really quite pissed that there was no verbal warning of all these crappy side-effects. Googling this drug yeilded many unhappy customers as well. I literally felt sick over their stories.

Now I do feel bad for giving my hair crap over the past few weeks for its' frizziness and non-compliance when it came to styling becauase -sniff- at least it was all THERE. Now I have a new beef.

Dear Gastroenterologist,
How could you do this to me? I feel like a victim. I came to you to FIX my problem. My small problem of gargling digestive issues. You put me through procedures and put me on drugs and took 12 of my vacation days away while I sat in the HOSPITAL. I think I would rather have my old problems back and the not really knowing what the heck it wrong then to have scheduled intravenous treatments, no hair, fat face, AND gargly digestive issues. YOU SUCK. You didn't fix anything!! I'm not BETTER. This is NOT BETTER. This is WORSE. If you had asked me do you want to have digestive issues or be fat and bald I'd have gone with the first one. I think most GIRLS would. I know you are not sporting much hair up there and maybe you don't understand but this is a HUGE deal to me. When Brittany Spears shaved her head at least she still had a normal face. And money for wigs and extensions. I don't think the Hannah Montana wig my 6 year old has is really going to fool anybody. This is BAD. VERY BAD. Thanks a friggin LOT. I hope you get herpes from someone.

This is not proper gym attire. For the most part, I generally don't go to the gym and 'check out' other people. I'm not looking, i'm just working out. I'd like to think the same about you too. However, if you are in a gym, on a machine, sweating and grunting, i'm going to wonder why the heck you are wearing a suit. I'm going to wonder why you have a dress shirt and dress pants and dress shoes on that you are putting bodily fluids into and not changing OUT of when you head back to whereever it is you came from. I'm also going to wonder why the hell you haven't been ESCORTED from the premises for that alone.

Strange-suit-guy lets' call him, did not forget his gym clothes. Normal people when they forget their gym clothes, don't GO to the gym. There is no reason, other than a large monetary bet that you won't do it, that you couldn't just not go that one time. And even if your life depended on you completeing a set of 30 inside your lunch hour, City Sports is but a block away and their tissue t's are a great deal and quite comfy. I can only question your mental capacity when I see you MORE THAN once pulling this little stunt. It's been at least thrice I have witnessed this dude. He just doesn't get it.

Let's move on to shorts-guy. Those shorts are not meant for you. Those shorts are really not meant for anybody not standing on a stage after three weeks of carb-denial, laxitives, general dehyddration, a hefty tan salon package deal, and a bottle of baby oil. No sir. You can stop strutting back and forth and pick something to do that doesn't involve bending your knees or sitting for that matter. Just a mental note, if you can see that your thighs are whiter than paper and your underware tan lines are showing, DO NOT WEAR THE SHORTS.

OMG. I really am not a fan of routine. I think I've mentioned. I like doing something different everyday. Partially why my aquarian soul is almost content with this graphic design gig despite the fact I'm hocking real estate and not Louis Vuitton. Most of the time I am doing something different everyday. Somehow lately though, I have been doing and redoing the same damn thing every single day out of no fault of my own. This displeases me greatly.

Yesterday alone I did 22 fucking eblasts. This morning the same 4 from the same person have to be redone for an unknown reason (they never tell me) and those same 4 had already been redone at least 4 times last week. 4 out of 22 isn't a lot of redoing, but I think maybe one of those was new/original. All of the other were redo's. I can understand/accept the fact updates happen, but that is NOT the case if this crap is occurring on a daily basis. Let's couple that with the fact a corporate online program was established to take this specific task OFF my plate when in fact, it has created MORE work. Super fun. Super fun daily. I digress.

I've also realized I've been on steroids for 90 days. 90 days. That's a long time. Side effects include "redistribution of fat cells". Oh yes, I avoid looking in mirrors because I think I'm starting to look like the fat-Monica they used to make on Friends. My chin is not my chin. I hope to hell this goes away and goes away soon. I should only have about 10 more days on this stuff. I am way to vain (turns out) to survive as ugly or fat. In fact, i'm giving all those with less than average looks or more than average weight a lot of credit for not jumping off something that could kill you on the way down. Honestly, I don't have the mental or emotional strength for people to not be nice to me based on my looks. Sad, shallow, maybe, but the truth. Ok, it's really sad and shallow if I can't accept myself for anything less than i'm used to but why should I? I didn't do this, evil drugs did this (I hate drugs), it isn't me, so why should I even attempt to be OK with it? I really can't cope with not being cute. I can not. That I can accept. Don't get all judgy either, it has been scientifically proven that people are nicer to people that are good looking. This isn't aging, this is worse than aging. This is being changed like playdough inside a span of 3 months. Not cool drug companies, not cool at ALL.

Stairway to Heaven

It's probably a bad sign when in a stairwell the thought crosses your mind to throw oneself down it to avoid work and life in general. Yeah, that's probably not good. Although I did hear that Tuesday is the most stressfull day of the week since we have to catch up on all avoided during Monday's weekend recap. You know I never felt like Tuesday was so bad until I heard that. Thanks radio.

It is a little hard to be cheerfull or optomistic in this economy though. The weather hasn't been helping. Actual, nothing is 'helping' and everyone I know seems to be pretty darn miserable lately. I'm not sure what is going to kick everyone out of their ruts, but I hope it happens soon. Summer has to come eventually and sunshine always makes me feel better. I knew I needed a mental break so although I could not take a full week off, or afford to go to the Carribean or even FL like I wanted, I took a few days and went to see the folks. It's always interesting going back to upstate NY.

I present subject A.


Yes, that IS a full camoflaged truck. And yes, the driver was also wearing full camo gear. The back said something like "Ducks Umlimited" and had stickers of flying ducks all over it. Hot. SExy. Not something you see much around DC now is it?

Aside from that fun encounter, it seems that the gods above like to consistently remind me why I left Syracuse by demonstrating their typical weather patterns from the moment I cross state lines. This trip was no exception. I have heard they've had rather nice weather the past few weeks from my mother, and I knew we were having some nice sunshine and 60's coming our way, but I went NOrth anyways. What did I get? Snow. That's right, snow. I'm not talking a few flakes mixed in with the rain, i'm talking break out your snowbrushes - where did the grass go?- 4 inches of snow. WHATEVER Syracuse. I'm not moving back, OK? Happy? You can take your cheap cost of living and lousy job market and bury it out back under the snowman that never melts. I GET it.

I've also noticed at a few family functions that my family has increased in size without adding people. I also blame this on the general depression cloud that is upstate NY. What did I do all weekend long? Eat. Yep, I think I probably packed on 5 lbs. in 3 days with the Doug's Fish Fry, Dinosaur BBQ, half-moon cookies, and general onslaught of homemade meals. Granted, I wouldn't eat like that all the time if I still lived there, but there isn't much else to do aside from go out to eat.

Although, in contrast, I have heard that southern states are the fattest...so maybe that just blows my theories out of the water...although you do need more calories to survive a heavy winter so..

..anyways, I am looking forward to some sort of lift from this cloud of gloom that just seems to be everywhere. Nice weather please show up and make people less miserable, economy please recover, face swelling please go down, and while i'm at it can I have some insight into what the whole point of life is? It was worth a shot.

In the hole to the Man.

Well, I've made it to Wednesday. Woo-hoo! I am sure it has a lot to do with the wonderful steroid drugs I'm slowly being weaned off, but that euphoria and general optomism is pretty much gone. So is the caffinated feeling that kept me doing a million things a day. On the upside, I actual sleep at night. I've gained back a normal amount of judgement and stopped randomly buying shit and making generally bad decisions. On the down side, I think I feel the 2-month sleep deficit now.

I'm sure that not much has changed in the traffic patterns, but all the sudden I am really stressing out on my commute. It is ALWAYS something lately. Accidents, merging construction, ambulances passing through, broken down cars, you name it. I have found it on my way home and been sitting in non-moving traffic. I'm just feeling very drained in general. I decided I need to get out of this town and take a few days off.

let's check that PTO balance: -7.34 hours. Negative. Nice.

I added up my 2 hospital stints, but turns out I was also deducted for not showing up the Friday AFTER Christmas (thanks Santa) and some other random sick day I didn't know about. Ugh. Super. I still have to get out of here for my own mental sanity so I"m taking 16 more hours this weekend bringing my tally to -23.34 hours. I will then be in the hole until roughly July when I would like to take some more time off. Super. What can you do?

I"m not sure how or why I had this epiphany to take a road trip to my home town. Honestly, it's likely to stress me out even more, I mean we are talking about parents. My always supportive mother who thinks I'm too old to have children, that Girls night out is for whores and hussies, and who throws out my stuff I leave at her house and pretends she doesn't know where it went, the one who was convinced I was sleeping with people before I even lost my virginity, the one who said to my friends "you know she drinks and drives all the time" (?) (!) (no I don't) that one -she will be there. I have asked if she'd be willing to adopt the 80 lb. mutt that is in serious need of an actual yard (she has 2 acres) but she says no. She says no a lot. I must have walked through a secret relm of smoking weed or an opium den in or something when I ever came up with this idea all on my own and then opened my mouth to spread the word. The good thing about traveling 6.5 hours to see parents is:

1. they entertain my child so I don't have to
2. the dogs can run around freely so I don't have to walk them OR pick up after them

That's it. There is only 2. It's a big 2 on my weekend docket though. In hindsight, and I know I have been loving hindsight lately, there are easier ways to relieve the listed 2 stresses above without driving 6.5 hours each way to NY, but, I've made a commitment, and goddam me for following through with EVERYTHING I ever commit to in my life.

I really need to cut that shit out fo-sho.

Soggy Blog of Avoidance

This week I happen to be down to about half the dose of those happy-euphoria-inducing steroid pills they put me on after my hospital stint. I noticed. For one thing, as much as I always doubt the validity of a pill affecting human performance, it's true. I was running literally 2mph faster than I normally do on the treadmill during my higher dose. I also was incredibly optimistic, sasiatied, and task oriented. That is totally not me.

WEll welcome back to earth.

Upon my 3rd day of lower does I experienced general anger towards the world. Day 4 was more sadness. I think I'm leveling off now. Maybe. I'm back to my slower jog on the treadmill (dang). I really always had doubts about the ways pills affect well at least me in particular, but coming off these is interesting experience in hind-sight, which is now a BFF.

Lucky for work and economy they lodged about all the bad news they had at me during my drug-induced euphoria and for that I am thankful.

NOw today is a rainy soggy day and I have another evasive dr. apt to attend. Oh joy. I literally had to bribe myself out of bed (another side affect was the not really sleeping so me prying myself out of bed is way more normal). A trip to Dunkin Donuts usually gets me more motivated. Yep that did it. Little miss sassy-pants had picture day today. I recall picture day. I recall knowing which packages every one else was ordering and always wanted to have the A package, teh big one. This meant your family loved you and had the money to pay for it. Well these days they do class pictures twice a year and I bought them the first round. Granted, the kid has a new haircut, but she also looks like a halloween jack-o-lantern lately b/c of a missing tooth so I'm not sure how much I want new pictures of this look. She, disagrees. I'm not sure how much stock the kids have in the pre-ordered pics these days b/c you can order them after the fact (of course you can) a proof will come home with instructions on how to order them. We shall see. I just don't want her to feel BAD that we aren't so gung ho on picture day as say Graces' family.

Who doesn't want to be the cool kid in first grade right? Ugh. Drama.

The morning commute didn't exactly brighten my spirits any either. A random accident had lanes backed up before I could even see the highway and then it was just trafficy in general. RAin. Grey. I think this is why I left NY, oh yeah it was. I would like to order some nice weather if I could.

I would also like to know what is with the international conglomerate of employees at the Tysons DD? Everytime i'm in there the line is at least 12 people long, there are at least 3 employees from 3 different countries that speak 3 different languages and none of those languages match with either the customers or each other and I'm guessing that is WHY the line is so long. I swear it took 14 minutes to make an egg and cheese on a croissant last time. This time I went for an off-the-shelf muffin and coffee, but this still required an exhange of words between 2 employees about the sugar dispenser. Yeah, you did over do it buddy but I'll forgive you. I wish I knew the secret to getting myself a franchise. I guess you need to pool some resources, use everyone in your family as employees and man the thing 24/7. Sounds like more work than i'm willing to put out. I dont' think you'd find me anywhere near a place of employment at 5am unless i'm trying to dislodge my car from a parking garage after a heavy night of drinking.

And for some reason I keep thinking it's Wednesday.

ANGER and Dissent on a Monday.

Shocking right? Who would be in a bad mood on a Monday? Not my snarky 6 year old who greets me with an attitude filled "I'm not getting up or going to school today." first thing off the bat. We are not morning people. I can do without the attitude though. Everyday actually. So far, that was about the most cheer I've gotten really today.

I have 9 emails I refuse to touch. One of those on-going issues that refuses to resolve, but only evolve into more complicated problems and balloon itself from minor to major pain in the ass. IT's also coming from a major pain in the ass who then sends comments like "logo looks like dog-doo" on something I did not even put together so take it up with SOMEONE ELSE. Ugh. Hate-er-rate.

It's all been sliding downhill. I suspect that the small decline in my euphoria-get-it-done medication is partly to blame for my increase in tiredness/irritation (more me) and decrease in happiness/energy (all steroids). The other collection of crap I am refusing to do til later would be things I do over and over and over again anyways because people can't make up their freakin minds about anything.

It just seemed like the weekend was FAR too brief. It was a lovely weekend. It was just me and the offspring putzing around doing what I wanted to do free of interuptions or other agendas. I did what I always do when presented with large blocks of time: rearrange shit. Yes, it lights me up like a bleepin xmas tree to move furniture around, change linens, and generally reorganize things. I used attachments on my vacuum that never get used. I cleaned windowsills of the dirt rain brings in. I cleaned cieling fans, bathed dogs, drilled things into walls, leveled, used mollies, dog out stuff from under the steps storage (Tim if you freakin bury the gift wrap box again I will slay you in your sleep), and I SEWED. This is a big deal b/c (a) I was DRUNK and (b) I barely remember doing it. Oh yes, I have discovered a new level of drunk:

The pathetic Suburbanite Drunk.
This can be described as getting drunk either in social situation among suburbanite neighbors or the lower rung of drinking solo while surrounded by small children but must be done in the mid-afternoon and is not beer. Hard alcohol or wine will do. Upon getting wasted you will then go about your suburbanite activities such as doing laundry, walking dogs, changing sheets, SEWING projects, dusting, vacuuming, dishes, etc. only once you've sobered up enough to realize what the hell time it is you won't remember doing anything and will hence be pleasantly surprised at the amount of crap a slightly tipsy person can accomplish in the light of day.

Such was my case when after 3 (maybe 4) glasses of chardoney at the 4pm birthday party I really didn't want to accompany my child to, we meandered home around 6pm...there were some cleaning activities....and after I put the kid to bed (hope I fed her dinner?) and watched "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" I discovered there were clean sheets on my bed (?) piles of clean laundry (?) a newly made doggy bed (?) and I'd gotten out poles and dusters and cleaned off not only the cieling fan, the adjacent walls, but vacuumed for at least the third time that day. Immediately I picture the colorful photographs of a Chelsea, NY art gallery with martini holding mothers in bright pink outfits and headbands on plastic patios with garden hoses, beautiful children and sad faces.

A new blog entitled: Dear ____, What the heck?

There are many times in life when I just don't grasp what or why I am being sucepted to certain things. OH KARMA, I'm I really that bad? Ok maybe. REAlly?! I can't be that bad. It is times like these, and seems like a lot lately, when I just have to say; what the heck?!

My most recent rants:

Dear Hair,
What the heck?! I do my very best to treat you like glass. I do not blow-dry, shampoo, tease, flat-iron, or generally destroy you on a daily basis. I buy nice products for you. I used nice products to make you not be frizzy and completely unmanageable. Yet, you smite and defy me by doing whatever the heck you want on a daily basis with no predictability, no set part, with no pleasant results. Why? Why do you hate me so? What is it I can do to make you at least somewhat presentable to the general public and not want to cry when I look in the mirror? Do you want to be straight or curly? Can you just not pick something inbetween that is more like 'fluffly' than anything else. I promise I won't take you to hair cuttery anymore, it was just that ONE time, I swear!

Dear Corporate CEO people,
OK, What the heck are you doing up there on the top floors?! You do realize people are going to find out that you give yourselves $100 million bonuses while you are closing down plants, cutting 401K's and generally doling out cuts everywhere else right? That's not going to fly anymore. Oh and newsflash: if your company is going down, it's YOUR FAULT and you deserve to be FIRED not given a bonus to keep you to stay. When the rest of the world screws up that bad, they get CANNED. I know you are probably not familiar with the 'rest of the world' being most of you bought your way into school and then daddy made a call for your j-o-b but try and adjust. Also, I'd like to ask if you generally HATE the earth or just don't give a #@%@ about it because as I sit in traffic and watch the only trees left in sight get hacked down by bulldozers and work crews, I can only wonder who hired them and what the HECK they plan to do on a 20 foot wide strip of land next to the capital beltway. Does this really need to be developed? Do we need another 7-11 in Tysons? Do we? Do we? You make me generally loathe being a human to think that this needs to happen for any reason what-so-ever. It HURTS. I am ashamed. I honestly thought of getting out of the car and attempting to stop the cutting. It's just too much. All of Tysons need not be pavement, I know that's kind of what you may be going for, but really, it's not a good idea.

Dear People of America,
What the heck? I know you all have your own issues, problems, and preoccupations. Let's all take a deep breath and try to think for a few seconds before we take actions that land us in the daily newspaper for general stupidity (like getting out of your car in rush hour traffic to stop work crews from cutting down trees), or even on the street wearing that horrendous outfit. Sometimes, and really more often than I'd like to admit, the behavior of the general public astounds me. Littering astounds me. Road rage astounds me. Spitting on the train? They have SIGNS for that. Civilzation is just not very civilized these days. I suppose you can blame that on the economy as well.

Dear digestive system,
I hope that you are feeling better now. After many years of your constant revolts you are getting a lot of attention. I hope you are happy that I have a stack of co-pays and daily medication like some geriatric senior citizen. I know college years may have been a little rough on you, but that was a long time ago and I thought we'd recovered quite well. The rest of me would like to not be on said medication though, so if we could work out a comprimise that'd be great. What do you say?

I hate March.

And we come to another Thursday. I can't tell if this week is going slow or fast. The weather keeps hopping all over the place from 70 degrees to 30-something and it's causing a lot of sniffling in my house. I think the dog even has allergy issues.

I also have this belief that March is the longest month of the year. Ok, technically maybe it has the same number of days but it's still winter-ish, it's right after the shortest month, and then you have to deal with the daylight savings and all the sudden it's pitch black AGAIN at 7am just when I got good at waking up on time. It's just not right. I wont' even start on daylight savings b/c I feel like I've beaten that with a stick for many years in a row. .... not going to comment....it's hard!

I hate March. I really do. Aside from the nasty looking weather before actual sunshine and spring start, and the daylight savings, there just isn't anything good about it. I loath St. Patricks Day as well. I know, what is sooooooooo bad about St. Patricks' Day?!?! It's not that I don't like beer, I like me a good pint, it's just never been a good time for me. And I really don't like that color green. Other things I hate about St. Patricks' Day in general:

1. Leprechans. Creepy small, shouldn't the be making cookies in a tree and not trying to trick people in letting them go or finding gold or whatever the heck that is all about?
2. Bars on St. Patricks' Day. Oh. My. God. If I wanted to be squashed in a smelly smoky place with about a zillion people drunker than me, well, I don't.
3. Bars serving at 6am beer specials with Lucky Charms. I dont' do early. I don't early. I don't DO early. and Ew.. I'd rather all memories of Lucky Charms include pj's and cartoons and not sticky floors and/or vomit.
4. I didn't know I was irish at all until I was lke 27. That actually made me feel very excluded in general on all the great years of celebrating I COULD have been doing, and now it's just too little too late.
5. Ireland. Really? What is so great about Ireland? Ok, I've never been. I dont' much care for potatoes, or rain, or green in general. Sheep, giant wool sweaters, darkness, dampness, vastness, golf, funny socks. REd hair is scary on everyone. I just don't get why they have a holiday and no other ethnic group or specific country does. I mean, didn't the irish have nothing be negative stigmitsms associated with them? Fights? Jail? Cops? Crookedness? Red hair? Ireland is in fact on the list of places I'm ok with NEVER visiting. (Sorry Lenore)
6. Cheap plastic parafanilia. On almost any other occassion I'm all about your cheap beads and bar glory, but for some reason, maybe it's the green, I loathe the St. Patricks' day garb. All of it. Hats, leys, beads, shot glasses on strings, t-shirts, buttons, face paint.....
7. Slogans. Kiss me I'm irish. This may stem from #4, again feel left out all your life and than just jaded. what can I do?
8. I've never actually had a GOOD time on St. Patricks DAy. Almost one time when I went to NYC for the parade, but we never left the bar, and it just got weirder from there until we ended up at Ruby Tuesdays with 47 glasses on a 4 top table and someone nearly LOST a LEG getting off the train. (Sorry about that too Lenore)

Maybe that is just it. I can not in good faith associate such a highly coveted drinking holiday (and I DO love me some drinking, ask around) with anything good, if nothing good has EVER happened to me on that day. It's not that I even have painfully bad memories of St. Patricks' Day, I just have no good ones. It's just a giant green platform of disappointment.

101 (or less) Things That Have Gone Seriously Wrong Lately

I've concluded with every scrap of 'hope' I have left in my body that things are always darkest before the dawn. After all, we just got all of our winter accumulation dumped on us on March 1st. Hoorah for snow days! And now it is suppossed to be 70 this weekend: instant spring.

For anyone who has been keeping up, my body has decided it's had enough after 32 years of abuse and started revolting in odd ways I didn't see coming. I am now on more medications that I care to recount and one has to be given intravenously at an oncologist office periodically. Fun fun fun. In addition to this grand nugget of goodness, it just started pouring bad karma all over and perhaps a nice little checklist will get it off my drugged-up-steroid-swollen head for a better 'perspective'.

March 3rd, 2006.
I notice at breakfast: My Fish is dead. Dori V couldn't take the cleanliness of her new bowl and had the nerve to kick it after a good 3 years of solid performance. Thanks fish.

1:00 pm: I am pumped full of immune-supressing drugs that takes literally 2 and a half hours.

3:30 pm: I have multiple voice mails on multiple phones from not one, but multiple Dr.s and not one has anything GOOD to say. In fact, it's pretty much not good. I learn about all sorts of things I have to go get tested for and feel sick-nausaus and gross in general. Also a bit like some old aunt nelly who really should be taking more calcium supplements to prevent a future hump. HOnestly, I swear I made it an entire YEAR without seeing one doctor for anything and suddenly this year I have yet to have a solid week without some sort of appointment and those damn co-payments are adding up!

3:32 pm: Boss has bad news.. please come see me. Yes it's bad. No i'm not unemployed but lets just say we're back to square 1 and the bus is looking like a solid transportation option. I hate that I want a Range Rover so bad.

5:52 pm: Text recieved: "I am fed up. It's boden or me." Please don't be serious, I will in fact choose the dog. He's a good snuggler and doesn't give me crap about my JCrew purchases. I choose to not acknowledge this text in my favorite way of shoving my ostrich head into the sand and hope it goes away. So far, so good.

It was all a bit much for a day I thought was going to be good. I don't know why I thought that, or why I drew a sunshine on my legal pad next to the date before it started raining shit, but that's just the way it was. I know economically it's not like I'm the ONLY one, or anyone else doesn't have worse problems, it's just the multitude of issues simultaneiously that is becoming a bit overwhelming. I do freak out if more than one fly or mosquito lands on me at one time. I deal better in smaller doses. I've also evaluated some new numbers and come up with the following other fun facts for 2009:

My house -my always a good investment in real estate first home ownership freakin house- is worth a solid 23.07% LESS this year alone.

Our combined family income has gone down over 22% from when we bought said house (2007) because of lack of bonuses/etc.

Childcare costs have increased: 12.5%

Condo association fees have increased: 7.15%

My car will not be paid off until 2010. OK that almost isn't that bad. Right, it's 2009, right? Maybe I can pay that off earlier.

House payment now = over 52% of combined income. Pretty sure that's not good, expecially since it's NOT WORTH WHAT WE OWE. This would be why foreclosures are everywhere. I actually have the solution that we re-assess all principle mortgages made in the past 5 years and adjust them accordingly with todays' values. Anyone object to that? Anyone? I don't think anyone would. Of course, it's not friggin MOnopoly, I can't be the car, and I can't negotiate Boardwalk out of my 6 year olds' posession so easy with the promise of BOTH Baltic and Mediterranian Ave. I mean someone needs to be slumlord, but it doesn't have to be me. That is not cheating, that is winning my friend. Now they won't even give me $200 for passing Go anymore. Wow, suck the fun out of life why don't you? I wish I could just start over sometimes and I would say no to all school loan, or ate least have a bit more of a clue about compounded percents. Which, I honestly don't really understand still, I only get that I eventually pay back 3x what I borrow, and somehow 3x what you borrow is suppossed to be 9%? Really, no clue. And I'm actually GOOD at math.

So, in conclusion, this game has left me feeling like the little Monopoly dude with his pockets pulled out and sad face on. Which is mostly frustrating b/c I wasn't cheating, I was in fact doing everything the way your suppossed to do it. I went to college, I got a good job, I pay bills on time, I bought the house in the good school district for the cute kid... what the hell happened?!

FIX IT! I don't think it's "fixed" just yet.

I have no faith that my 401K will in fact exist upon my 'retirement'. I also have no faith I will see a dime from any SS I've been putting into since I was 16. Pensions, ha ha ha. Those are for senators and govenors and that's about it.

I kind of feel like i'm in the collapse of the soviet communist regime. I hope they lose all my debt paperwork. I'm glad I like my adorable little house and all b/c aparently i'm never leaving even if I wanted to. Even though its a huge expense, even though there are great deals if we'd only waited...only we couldn't becuase the kid was starting school. Ah hindsight.

In my dream last night my good friend Johnny Depp was trying to convince me to become some sort of environmental law engineer or something and had his friend from Martha's vineyard come talk to me about starting on his program and I was scared to death. I don't want more schooling, more knowledge, more responsibility. I just want things to be OK. Why can't this just be enough? Why is everything getting so hard lately?

Best Weekend EVER.

It really does not take much to please me. I swear. In effort to make up for spending my 32nd birthday in the hospital hooked to IV drugs, I moved it on down to this weekend. What did I want to do? Have breakfast at IHOP. Yep, that's pretty much it. A few crepes and those nice shredded and browned hashbrowns and I'm a happy camper. I didn't even mind so much the trio of small boys thumping their feet on the base boards directly behind me. And after this blissful meal I returned an article of clothing to Khols' without them giving me a hard time or waiting too long, I wandered around IKEA where this conversion shelf/coffee table/window seat thing I've wanted for literally YEARS was acually ON SALE in the color I wanted and IN STOCK and then I even got to go to the super Marshalls and try stuff on. Ok, they didn't have anything I wanted there (aside from a really big mirror for $50) but some days go like that there. It was a good day! Then it got even better!

Oh joy!

My brother and sister-in-law dropped off cupcakes for my belated birthday and helped me put together my new Ikea project. Then Sunday I went wine tasting with another friend and her lovely neighbors I want to steal. Even my grumpy spouse had a good time and made new friends which is in itself a feat of happiness. How can one NOT have a good time stuffed into a limo with 9 people and dozens of bottles of wine, really? And I brought the cupcakes along and they brought cheese and bread and triscuits and hummus. All was good. We had a cook out after the wine tasting at the neighbors and I had my first hamburg in like 6 months and it was also bliss. I tried watching some of the oscars last night, but I was too tired. It was a full weekend and everyone had FUN. I can not express my satisfaction. Like a giant fat cat after a huge meal of fish and creme sitting in the sunshine on a fluffy carpet looking outside at the dog who is outside in the cold wind with a giant smile.

Satisfied.

Adventures in a New Disease Continues...

I have had another recent bout of hospital. That makes twice inside 3 months, I think that's a little extreme. Hind sight is always wonderful, but I can't say it could have been avoided completely. For someone who really has not ever really had any kind of 'health issues', this is all pretty new to me. I can't say I'm McLovin it though, as much as I do strive to be different. This is not what I had in mind.

Obviously the cocktail of drugs I was on before wasn't enough to keep my insides from revolting against food (really what IS that?) so we're moving on to step 2: intravenise drugs plus cocktail. So far I am feeling much better stomach pain-wise, but a little on the loopy side, again. I'm doing my best to quelch urges to make carpet angels at work or give bear hugs to strangers, but I'm not sure what about this mixture makes me want to talk to EVERYONE. I'm not usually like that, but maybe it's just a procrastination ploy. Seeing as I am both wired and tired at the same time, all the time, I can't seem to harness whatever spazmatic energy is being induced to anything slightly useful.

The insurance company called and asked a lot of questions. As suspicsious and untrusting as I always am that made me wonder about their motives for sure. Are they trying to gauge how much i'm going to cost them in the long run? Most likely. I probably should have kept my mouth shut but I couldn't. REally, I couldn't. I think the fact they called is unethical, I mean, really they have full access to all my medical records, what good does it to ask me -the drugged wonder- about what the hell just happened? I hate insurance. I wish I'd kept my mouth shut. Hind sight.

Have you seen those butt talking commercials? Hi-larious. Tim hates them.

So, hopefully the evil insurance company doesn't take their new found information of my new found illness and kick me to the curb. I mean the did have plenty of years of ripping me off where i never went in for anything so they can just get over it this year. I'm sure they just stuck a giant red tab on my case folder and moved me to a new file cabinet, but what-eva. Is this what 'getting old' is like? Parts fall off, things don't work, you are forced to buy the biggest pill box they sell at the dollar store and then realize you need a portable one for 'day trips' and suddenly you are really so far from being a kid anymore your mother tells you that you are "too old to HAVE children" (thanks mom).

I'm not sure what the rest of my life is going to pan out like. If it will change dramatically, or not. If I will have anymore kids, or not. I am a firm believer that you don't get dealt more than you can handle. Which is a good attitude I think b/c then you can just mentally tell yourself you are capable of handling fill-in-the-blank. So, I used to freak out at strep tests b/c I hate the gagging on the q-tip. Then it was anytime blood was required I'd break out in a sweat (do still, a little). But now since I'll be seeing needles on a fairly regular basis I better get used to downing more water. Nothing is ever as scary the second time around, I have found.

As much as I claim to want to go out more and do more things in DC, it's often hard to commit my very limited hours of off time at home to going and actually doing anything at all.

This weekend I convinced myself to pull it together and accompany the spouse off to the car show at the convention center. Thought about metro-ing but that would have cost as much as parking...or so i thought. $20 for event parking in the lot off H street which I"m pretty sure is a solid $5 on weekends normally. How is that not gauging? Can we do something about that Obama? (yes we want you to fix EVERYTHING and while you're at it I have a leaky faucet that could get some attention from you..)

I've also noticed I get ticked off fairly quickly lately. So after swinging around a few blocks I'm trying hard not to freak out, but no one likes looking for parking downtown. Thank goodness for Sunday church parking. Thanks episcapalians!

Other randomness I discovered on my big outting:

1.) I have zero toleration for anyone elses' children. It's not endearing, it's not cute, it's noise and they're a menace. Get them the frik out of the drivers' seat of that Escalade, it ain't NEVER going to happen for them, or me, but at least I have a liscense.

2.) Some people must not own mirrors. I saw this woman with a white shirt practically spray painted over her rolls of hippo-like figure and had to wonder, what must she be thinking? Just because you're in it, doesn't mean it "fits".

3.) There is a secret portal between the Subway and Matchbox. A trio of asian peeps wearing 5 layers of clothing on a 60 degree day go into subway, and magicallly appear walking out of Matchbox a few mintues later. Astounding. What's with the puffy jackets though? Have I ever even seen an asian sweat? Maybe they have historically low blood pressure.

4.) Socks are not a replacement for shoes. A large woman wearing her church garb and stockings walked past us with white socks over her stockings...at first I thought they were slippers (like that's a step up on the sidewalk of china town) but alas, they were socks. I get pain. I am sporting blisters on both pinky toes but I wasn't about to wander around the sidewalks of DC in socks because of it. Ok ONE time I took off my shoes to wander, albeit stumble, back from some bar but I get LOST when I drink fairly easily and those heels really were going to kill me.

5.) I will never understand church in general. I guess you have to be raised with it to get it. I'm not sure why people dress up either, just to mock the pretty much naked jesus hanging on the cross with your earthly goods? Respectful, ok you're trying to look nice for .... whomever. As I was taking full advantage of Sunday church parking a woman passes me in full dress up garb. Wedding worthy in the way grandma, or great-grandma as the case may be, dusts off her hat from the 40's- the one with huge fake flowers and some sort of net attached- and perches it on her head to compliment her matching pastel suit. Since the old peeps always seem to have such a specific dated garb to go back to, it makes me wonder what the heck I have that I could ever refer back to in 30-40 or 50 years in my closet that I would deem appropriate. Certainly not the most recent $26 sale dress from the GAP. They just don't make things like they used to. How much longer is that phrase going to be around?