Where is the Pepper-Spray Kiosk?

I was wandering through the mall today and since it was a weekday, it wasn't very busy. (Although there were several teens there and I couldn't help wonder why they were not in school) I noticed that it's times like these when you are MUCH more likely to be attacked by the kiosk employees. It wasn't too bad on the 2nd floor, they don't have many there, but it was a whole different story downstairs.

I don't know if they work on commission, but they must be getting some sort of bonus because they do act like it matters. I was lunged at by someone with some sort of quilted looking homemade heating pad contraption, a hair straightener, fake ponytails and I literally dodged behind a heavy womans ass to avoid some woman wanting to "just ask a question". I don't even want to know. When did the most fun shopping place become so awful? I felt like I was dodging the homeless beggers by the metro. I feel bad, okay? I"m not buying your useless shit. If it wasn't useless, it be in a REAL store on a permanent basis.

Which makes me wonder. If I can be physically dragged over for a head massage with some wierd spider shaped wire hanger, what do they do when your kiosk sells things like pepper spray and tasers? "Hey buddy! Hey come here a sec, I want to show you something..." AT the very least they should let you try it out on them. I mean, that's what these kiosks are all about, trying it out.

Spellcheck is Your Friend

As a general crappy speller, I am glad you can spell check just about any document, including emails. Although I sometimes could care less about spelling (see blog description) I definitely will triple check things I'm sending out via work or to a group. No one likes to sound like a complete moron. Case in point this babbling piece of trash email my (embarrassed to say) Father-in-law has constructed. (Back story: we don't get along at ALL)

Dear Friends and family, This election is a turning point in America. I have been following all the canidates in both parties from the beginning. Obama has no experience to be the President, the change he and the liberias will negitively change America for a long time. The change came in our last election when the Liberials/Democrates took control of the House and Senate. The stock market was at 14000 and jobs were plentiful now look at America do we want the same direction we are going or do we want real change. The mainstream media is very Liberal. only Fox News Channel is fair and gives both side their opportunity to inform us. With a Liberal President and Congress and Senate. We will witness the largest socialist movement in our history. Simular to Markism. They have already taken prayer out of schools, in God we trust of our money and the Ten Commandment out of Federal properties. The authors of our constution purposely added these items because, it is the foundation of our Constution . We must vote for Mccain to protect our way of life and government. Palin has much more experience than Obama, She is a standing Gov. Palin. Concerned voter Mike

There are several OBVIOUS spelling errors, but, if you are trying to make some sort of political point, I think it's best you try and spell CONSTITUTION sort of correctly, especially if you are using this word more than once.

I would also like to point out that blaming the stock market collapse on Democratic majority in the House and Senate (although I'm not sure that's even true) is about as accurate as my coffee mug about the inverse relationship of the average global temperature and the number of pirates on earth. (Special thanks to cafepress.com for that gem)

I think John Stewart would spit out whatever he was drinking at your statement "Palin has more experience than Obama..." and come to think of it, Sarah Palin probably would too. I mean C'mon, please. Just because I was serving on the PTA board doesn't qualify me as Speaker of the House. You know what I mean, jellybean?

The words "Only Fox News..".should never be uttered by a living human being.

Does the phrase "Separation of Church and State" mean anything to you? Anything at all? No?

Alright I'm done. You have confirmed my long standing opinion of you that you are a misinformed, bible thumping, complete moron. See you at Thanksgiving. I'll bring the booze.

Red Light, Green Light

I'm probably the only one that is confused as to the association of the red vs. Green light atop the elevator bank with down vs. up. I honestly don't know which is which (red up or red meaning down) and I thought it was only this screwy building, but no. I was in another buiding and there it was. Red light. Green Light. Well WTF? Did I miss something? How does a color make an association with going up or down in the elevator? Was there a sale on colored bulbs? What's wrong with the good old fashioned arrow?

I must have been out that day in kindergarten because I just thought Red meant Stop and Green meant GO. I didn't realize it hailed vertical direction as well. I serious don't want to get IN the elevator when it's red (stop) and I sure as hell don't know which direction it's going. This must be some sort of old-age indicator.

I'm sorry Polar Bears

So, I'm really trying to embrace this whole Fall thing before it's technically winter. It IS my favorite season. First off, I love all things pumpkin flavored, pumpkin colored, or pumpkin related and Fall is the only time they really roll that stuff out. Of course you can buy canned pumpking whenever, but people seem to think you're strange when you bake pumpkin pie in August. I also love all the apple stuff, the crunchy leaves, fall jackets, and cute boots. Also, even though I haven't really grown (vertically at least) in over 10 years, September still seems to merit a healthy amount of clothes shopping.

Unfortunately, we human beings are muliplying in mass proportions, using up the worlds' natural resources, chopping down all the trees, drilling the crap out of the earth and paving what's left. I don't think we can deny our good pal Al Gore in the unmistakable truth that we have done some hefty global warming. It's mid-October and it's been 80 degrees most of this week. I had the AC on (ok i'm not helping the cause) to sleep the other night. I'm confused as to what to wear to work to use the fall wardrobe of tall boots, light scarves, layers of dark colors, while trying not to sweat to death in the office. They can't decide what to do with the AC vs. Heat system either. Hell, I think they're so confused by the continued warm weather that they have yet to hand out Octobers parking passes despite the fact it's the 17th of October, we're still rocking September. The leaves have sort of changed here and there, and a large batch just fell all at once yesterday. It's still getting dark sooner so at least they have that indicator, but we're all confused. It's hard to deny the damage we keep doing.

At least the polar bears, who are probably getting very warm up there, will have more and more swimming holes to cool off in since the ice caps are melting. Of course, their food will be harder to catch and they may run out of ground to stand on but they can have rocking pool parties. With no food or drink. Oh, that doesnt' sound so fun after all. Sorry polar bears.

I do feel bad, even angry sometimes, but fairly helpless as I'm sure most of us do. I have to drive to work with millions of others. I see cranes and back hoes ripping down the only trees left along 495 and wonder why they can't just leave them alone. I don't know what they're doing or planning but I'm sure we can live without another 7-11 or condo high-rise. I've tried taking the train to work, but honestly, it's more expensive and takes longer. Having parking in DC is a pretty good priviledge too, sadly makes me feel more important than the people that don't. Nice. Tell that to the poor polar bears. Again, so sorry about that.

Strongly Worded Blog

Ok I've been living around DC for 4 years plus. I've been driving in for work for at least 2. Generally it's hit or miss with minimal grumbling, but TODAY, yes TODAY, friggin takes the cake wreck. I swear.

My hectic morning started like any other, with me running a little behind schedule. I chose to walk the kid to school b/c it gives me the multi-tasking option of walking the (I mean being dragged there and back) 2 dogs. Once I got them back and situated in the kitchen with appropriate chew toys and baby gates (trust issues) I was steps from the door when my coffee practically exploded for no reason. Mop up, check top, no clothing damage. Off we go.

My time table allows me to get on HOV right away, it's after 9. Usually a small slow down around Shirlington, could be rubber necking, I see some construction vehicles on the road side, at least I"m moving. When I can see cars not moving near the Pentagon it's not a good sign. They're creeping. Maybe. We'll see.

Once I get across the memorial bridge I see a heavy line to turn onto Constitution. What's up here? Not sure....Constitution is officially crawling but I'm still confident once I make the left onto 18th I'll be fine. I was wrong.

I can't see what the heck the hold up is still. I thought I saw some trucks crossed funny but people seem to be getting by on the left, unfortunately my lane is on the far right. 30 mintues later I've moved like a block and a half. Still sitting there. Giant white moving truck in front of me blocking all view of whatever the hold up is. A metro bus nearly mows me over trying to get around parked cars and I lay on the horn the whole time. Seriously he skimmed my mirror I swear. UHHH!

There is honking a plenty going on. People are stuck in the intersections between lights. The far left seems to be the only lane getting by when I see the giant construction arrow blocking 2 of the 3 lanes. For CHRIST SAKE!! Its' Fucking rush hour still! The best part is there is not ACTUAL construction you can see going on in the vicinity of said arrow. I move to the left as 3 pick up trucks slide in front of me and then stop. They PARK and get out in the ONLY MOVING LANE OF TRAFFIC. Then they put on their hard hats and stand there. I wish I was making this up. I'm now forced to move right into what is about half a lane left for cars to squeeze through that are usually running in 4 lanes in rush hour in the middle of Washington, D.C.

When I managed to get past that crap it was relatively normal, you know pedestrians dashing across when the are NOT suppossed to cross (getting hit would be their fault in my mind but not teh courts i"m sure). There was NO parking left in my side of the garage so I"m 5 doors and 2 stairways away but so is my boss, I saw him on my way in. Everyone is equally ticked, and I'm a full hour late. Sweet. At least I had no deadlines, but I would think construction could WAIT til after 10Am or so. Those trucks PARKED in a zone where you can only park after 10am and I looked, it was 9:58am. I'm just saying. That was freakin ridiculous. If there is a GIANT construction arrow, maybe they should eliminate the parking on that street for the day. Thanks to the one ways, I won't be taking that street back down anyways.

Too Cool For You

I've begin to wonder lately how 'being cool' doesn't die after you leave school. I'm not sure it's really a solidified term or a conscious thing when you start school. My daughter is in first grade and there are definite kids she associates with and those she does not. You'd be surprised how dramatic the first grade can be. Looking back, i don't think that is new. Being cool might not be something they are consciously striving for at this point, but they definitely are concerned with who likes them and who doesn't. I had to endure a week and a half of "Nicole HATES me" when a birthday invitation did not surface. (That is a whole nother blog in itself, the dreaded birthday parties)

Anyways, I don't think first graders try to be cool, but some just are and the others know it already. In middle school and HS you begin to realize what it is and that you want it, but again, I think you're pretty much there are not at this point. I went to the same school with pretty much all the same kids from K-12 so there wasn't a lot of opportunity for rank changing. Sadly, a good deal of being cool had to do with the money your family had or didn't have, while there were a few exceptions for the ultra bad-ass, of course. (yeah that was not me).

I thought that would change in college, but not really. It was a slightly different dynamic, but being cool was still pretty important. For sure that changes in the 'real world' right? Nope, I don't think so. So now that I'm pretty sure I am in some relm of the 'real world' I have tried to identify some things that are universally and timelessly "cool". Feel free to disagree. Or add on.

1. Drinking. OK sorry but you are so bad-ass cool if you do in HS, basically required in college, and there is nothing like regalling in drunken tales at the office. When I make my first AA meeting, I'll REALLY have something to talk about. Even now someone is talking about being drunk at 4 in the morning. See. So cool. If you don't drink you've either gotten so cool you've surpassed everyone else (and we no longer like you), or you never were in the first place.

2. Converse. I don't know, they just are in a "i'm not even trying" sort of way.

3. Having lots of money. Ok this does not make you instantly cool, but sure takes a lot of worry away from you inevitably impalling you with that desired devil-may-care attitude that is the essence of cool. (and the resources for cool gadgets)

4. Athletic ability. Ok you can't buy this one (maybe rig games though) but possessing the ability to do something really well (a.k.a. better than everyone else) makes you instantly cool whether it's little league or major league. It only gets cooler with age. (For example: i'm going to smoke you in the office chair race and everyone will hail me!)

5. Technology. I'm really trying hard to steer away from the merchandise in general, but I think it is true that he who has it first is usually pretty cool. Whatever that new 'thing' might be. I think this one fades with age though. WE'll see when I get to the nursing home if the guy with the new motorized walker is really as cool as he thinks he is.

In general, of course, the coolest guys and girls pull this off without trying or caring (or at least make it look that way). Everyone likes them, wants to be them, wants to be friends with them, etc. I don't think it's the same as being Popular or Bad-Ass, but there are overlapping areas there. I wonder if cave men had this whole dynamic way back then. Look at my big club, it's way better than yours! Probably.

The Day After the Day I Did Not Have Off
I'm having difficulty grasping what day it actually is today. Ok, I know it's Tuesday but part of me wants to jump ahead and think it's Wednesday because I was here yesterday and it was a holiday so subconsiously (run on I know) I feel like I had an extra day off and then worked a day which would make it Wednesday, while at the same time no one was here (with the exception of the dedicated albeit forced staff) so it sort of feels like Monday since everyone is 'back' today. See why I'm so confused?

On another note, I'm still milking my tailbone injury (Freshman year is still proud) and had to decline a spinning class today because the idea of sitting on a little seat for 40 mins. is definitely not going to make anything feel good at this point. I also have banished pilates and yoga because I'm sure I'll have to sit or roll over it and I just plain can't. So pretty much the only thing I can do is the treadmill, which also happens to be a least favorite. Even my new playlist didn't help as much as I thought it would. I'll take any good running song suggestions. I also tried playing tennis over the weekend and discovered that caused more pain than it was worth.

ON the way back from the gym today my friend and I hopped into the elevator and were immediately taken over by a horridly potent perfume or cologne smell. Luckily we are only on the 4th floor and could pretty much hold our breathes through the ride and fall out gasping for clean air. I don't know how much, or what methods of application this person is doing, but OH MY GOD. That can not be good for you. I have to question your olfactory sensors in general are not at the top of their game if you do not realize people can smell you after you are gone. Mind you we did not see the person exit the elevator, so who knows how long that was lingering in there. Wow. A little dab will do ya, or hey, just use soap next time and then RINSE. You get the picture.

My bruised tailbone (and ego)
Last week on one of my rare 'night outs' Freshman year would have been so proud. Starting around 6pm we downed pitchers without counting over at the old Adams' Morgan. I think it was somewhere around 11pm (and I honestly don't remember even doing it) that I fell squarely on my ass in a bar. More than once. I only know this because my girlfriend saw me do it the first time and told me I told her I fell a second time. There is a bruise the size of a greeting card on my left cheek. Ha ha ha, I know hilarious. It's not the bruise that hurts.

I'm pretty sure I have bruised my tailbone. It is excruciating painful to get out of a chair and I nearly burst into tears during the squats segment at the gym yesterday (more than a week after the incident). I roll sideways out of bed and avoid centering my gravity at all costs. Of course I googled the injury and this is all pretty standard. Even if I did break the darn thing they would only perscribe pain meds and tell you to rest it, maybe ice it. I tried that yesterday. The condensation got my skirt all wet and I refused to leave my cube until it was 6pm and most people had already left.

I feel like I have to avoid all my pilates/yoga classes because I can't move like a normal human being. This could last 6 weeks easily and some online whiners like myself say they have permanent lasting pain. F-ing sweet. Chalk that up to a winning bar injury. Up to this point my worst was a sprained ankle from sprinting from one bar to the next in icy conditions. Obviously I'm getting too old for this much fun on weekends.

Cubical Buffer

I believe we have a somewhat 'cursed' cublical in our midst. We recently moved to some new space and there was some shifting around of people and I ended up straight across from Little Miss EVERYTHING. And I say this because she is a hard nail to hammer in any one category. She's sweet and thoughtful (buying us suvenirs from her vacation) yet ultra-talkative, I don't get the you're-not-looking-at-me-while-I-talk-to-you hint and keeps on a-going. She'll invite you to her events (party's, dance classes, performances) but invite herself to yours. Although her eagerness could make her easy to write off and explain, you feel downright AWFUL saying anything bad about her for some mysterious reason. And even though she sends me folders of pictures of obscure relatives and trips I did not get to go on, her most annoying feature has to be the laugh.

Oh yes, not mearly an annoying laugh, but a decible piercing cackle that no one in the entire office could possibly ignore. The kicker being she's on the phone a lot, and a cheery person that finds something to laugh at every hour. Wow.

We were told this placement directly across from my cube was temporary (thank you!) And eventually the sad (yup so sad) day came when she had to pack her things and move it on over to her new spot in the office safely on the other side of an actual floor to cieling sound bufferring wall. I would have helped move her stuff.

Blissful was the time when I could look over at the empty cube and revel in the silence. That didn't last long.

A new person was hired. She moved in when no one was looking. I had not even been formerly introduced when I heard her on the phone. Oh it's bad. It's almost worse. It is worse. The cackle comes with a shriek of laughter for all to hear. It's loud, it's high, and it's often. The only good part is, she only works part time.

What IS it about that cube?

Retail Love

Sooooooooo, it's another in a string of days where I have not had an actual project lined up to do. It's not normally like this so I try not to complain too much and enjoy the fact I can check and re-check my 4 email accounts in a ciclical order. Unfortunately the rest of the world actually has something to do so I have no emails to read...well, you know outside the $10 off pumps at DSW, the new line up at Urban Outfitters, Free shipping at Garnet Hill, 20% off at REI, something at Victoria's Secret (which I can't actually read at work funny enough) and the new whatever at Neiman Marcus. Why are retailers the only ones that love me? I get birthday cards from my insurance company and christmas cards from my grocery store. I swear. I can not count the number of catalogs in my house. Of course, some of this is wanted and requested information (I do love me some JCrew) but others just show up out of a similiar type product or you order something for your mom online from her dorky store and all the sudden you can't throw away the Coldwater Creek catalogs fast enough. I have to say the yoga-inspired catalog is quite soothing after a long day even though the cover and first four pages have dissapeared. I really don't know what happen to those...