day of The Nano
She will be loved, she will be loved..
tap on my window knock on my door i wan to make you feel beautiful, I know I tend to get so insecure,
it s not always rainbows and butterflies,
my heart has fallen, my doors always open you come anytime you want.
Look for the girl with the broken smile, ask if she wants to stay awhile,
she will be loved...
I know where you hide
alone in your car
know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all,
comes back and makes me catch her every time she falls
...
I don't mind spending every day out onn your corner in the pouring rain
look for the girl with the broken smile
ask her if she wants to stay awhile
she willlllllllll be looooooooooooooved she wiiiiiiiiil be looooved....
please don't try so hard to say good bye

You only want someone to love you as much as you love, but then, it never happens as you think it should. You have a choice to accept love, or not.

I heard the truth about you..I was deep in an indian sleep, why'd they have to call my school tell me my mother had a nervous breakdown
wish I believed like you do
yeah you
in the myth of a merciful god
I hear the voices you hear sometimes, sometimes it gets so much, I feel like letting it go, like letting all go
said you were losing your mind, said you just needed a rest, said that maybe I could go live with them for awhile, I know the truth about you, I know the truth...
mama they woke me up, I was just 8 years old, sometimes it gets so hard, I feel like letting it go, like letting all gooooo

i've been the needle and the thread
i tried to laugh but cried instead
.
making use of all this time
keeping everything inside
close my eyes and listen to you crying
i'm lifting you up
i'm letting you dwon
i'm dancing til dawn
I'm fooling around
this citys made us crazy and we must get out
this is not goodbye she said
it is just time for me to rest my head
she does not walk she runs instead

traffic got me int he right direction
close my eyes..
i'm letting you down
i'm not giving up
i'm making your love
this citys' made us crazy
there's only so much I can do for you
after all of the things you put me throough
ooooooooooh
I'm lifting you up
i'm not giving up
i'm making your love
this city's made us crazy
and we must get out
woooah
woooah
yeah

Father of mine
tell where have you been
my whole world disapears
take me back to the day
when I was still your golden boy back before you went away
you would take me to the beach
a place inside that is so hard to reach
where did you go
what do you see when you look back at your wasted life and you don't see me
sometimes you would send me a birthday card
i never understood you dad and I guess I never will
my daddy gave me a name and then he walked away

Dreaming again..I had a house by the ocean, it was a bit dilapitated, but hey, I don't have a house in real life so anythings a step up. I felt like it was my dads' before, it had high cielings, peeling paint, hardwoods, potential. We had moved in and had some boxes, but not a lot in the space. I wanted to paint the front bedroom for Chloe a brownish/beige color and put her stuff in there so she could sleep. We were eating pizza off a box (as we do each time we move) and looking to the right out the tall windows at the waves and rocks outside. Another girl was there (my sister?) and boys were playing in the sand outside as the sun was setting and people were packing up their beach towels and chairs. Someone came to the door and I left. Someone named Michelle was there with Tim and I had to carry some books.

would you give it all up now
You give it all away
don't let it come apart
you give it all away
you give it all away
don't let it come apart
don't want to see you come apart
...........woo-ooo
I lay in the long grass
so many people
so many people pass
I stare, stare at lovers
downin their coffee's
you give it all away
give it all away now
don't let it come apart
you give it all away now
don't want to see come apart
...........
...........
(Caught by the River -The doves)
you give it all away
you give it all away
would you give all away....
give it all away...........

I had this terrible dream. It was fine, until I kept hitting snooze, and then it just started going bad. I was in college again, my roommate seemed to be a girl from my current dance class. I played rugby (I did) and I was really good (I wasn't bad) and the coach (looks like jesus) wanted to talk to me because I was sooooo good at tackling/hitting. I said "I have a lot of hidden aggression". He had no response. Unfortunately some girls from the other rugby team were really pissed that they kept losing and wanted to out me. They basically tried to jump me in the shower but I kicked there ass to the point where they ran off but then they turned all the men against me (that actually did happen but for other reasons). Just the way they looked at me really hurt. Hate, hate for no reason or fault of my own.
Well, what do people do when the hate you and want to hurt you? They take what matters most to you. They took my daughter. This 7 foot man lured my daughter to his place by saying he was lost and needed help finding his apartment. She showed him where it was and he pulled her in and she said she shouldn't go with strangers, but he said "you already did" and chained her up with swing set chain around her soft beautiful wrists and I couldn't get to her.. and then I woke up.
Playing rugby was a lot like being in a frat or sorority I think. Only co-ed. There was hazing (dubbing) and a lot of things were just mean, I wasn't interested in that part. I did my best not to treat anyone with disrespect, although I think I got a lot for it. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Some of the players married each other. Feels a little like the couples from HS that married. What? Really? Move on. I wonder if those who were unkind to others ever regretted it? Somehow I doubt it. It's funny, strange, and sad how young people can deserately seek the approval of peers that treat them with hate and disrespect. Sad..but not new and never ending.

It's bloggin time! Woo-hoo! Well, actually, it's a welcome relief after the messy project i'm not quite done with until the final product arrives unscathed from the printer-tomorrow. In the mean-down-time though I'll enjoy a few minutes of no responsibilities.
Caught a bit of news today, always bad so I thought I'd try that 'think of a few of my favorite things'-thing to cleanse my mind of the worlds evil. Well I did. While I was listing my self-divulging pleasure like the food channel, E true HOllywood story, sleeping, sunshine on the carpet, newly baked and half raw still cookies etc.. I was thinking that all my favorite things break down into just a few categories; food, tv, sleep, other sins.
I recall someone saying they like water so much they tattooed it on themself as one of their 3 favorite things. Must have been a wave or something. I love the ocean too, but since it's one of those things I rarely see, I guess I don't put it up there with 'things'.
I like the show Office, it's pretty funny. I don't get to see it very often because I take a dance class at the same time though. I noticed today that people still have some instilled hallway fear like in highschool or something when they try not to make eye contact.
It would appear that we've all reduced ourselves to ackward grunts instead of an actual greetings when we meet in said hall. It may be translated into a "hey" "hey" or even a "how are you?" but they don't even wait for a response and will auto respond with a "good" or "fine". What's more, even if you completely bodge the question or answer, no one will ever stop you or bring it up again.

Ah, L'amour

Almost daily I observe a girl in the office come over to ask a boy something she really doesnt' need to ask. It's pretty clear to me, and the other girls sitting around that she wants something she's not asking for. Why it has to be so complicated, why who you like never seems to like you and vice versa, I don't know.
I was recently told a story about a wedding in which the groom claimed his ex was the best friend (female) and had to be the best man. OK odd, but whatever. Not only did she dawn a tux and stand as the best man, they had a dance just for them. I think at this point the bride exited stage left. Boys; let me just say this, girls 99.9% of the time can not be friends with you after sleeping with you on a regular basis. It's just them sticking around in hopes the guy will someday realize she was the one all along. Girls; this will not happen. He will pity you, he will be nice to you in hopes that something comes along to divert your attention -and maybe he will even be slightly jealous if it does- but he won't want you. You can't love people you pity. I can't tell you how to not love someone, I think it's best just to keep trying to find someone you can put that love onto that can return it, even if you secretly hope everyday that he might come back and want you again.

The morning buzz Ah coffee. I liken it to alcohol in the sense that either you drink it, or you don't, and people feel pretty strongly about it both ways. Is it a drug? Yes, I think so. Is it addicting? Well, so they say. Lucky for me I don't have a very addicting personality (no really, I don't). I only started drinking it in small quantities once in awhile. I recall a good tasting cup out of Lenore's kitchen in college, taking some to work once in awhile for my 33.2 mile commute into Providence. Soon I graduated to having a quarter to half a cup a day filling my brightly colored fiestaware mugs after my little one was born. It still made me jitterly to have more than that. When I moved to a full cup a day plus it started taking a toll on my overly sensitive digestive tract. Caffine is a bit of a laxitive. I decided I didn't like it so much and just stopped drinking it for weeks. I was a little tired, but honestly, no more than usual. I didn't crave it or want it at all. I think it was more of a habit than an addiction.
My husband was still drinking it though and there was leftover so I decided I'd have an iced coffee after 7pm. NOT a great idea. I wasn't jittery, but I was up way past midnight and before I went to bed contemplated all the household chores I could get done if I didn't bother to sleep. Then I figured if I got tired in the morning I'd just have another coffee. This is where the 'addiction' sets in with people I think. You're missing your little buzzing motivation and when it subsides, you try to get it back. Only it takes more and more each time to get equal the first. Sounds familiar. This can easily be likened to drugs or alcohol. Only, this ones legal and widely socially acceptable. And aparently, very profitable, as most addictive and unnecessary substances are. Food for thought.

Another Day at the Desk
I try really, I try to be good and do what I should, but sometimes I think, what's the point? NOt to get all office space but I don't get more or less for any amount of work (or quality work for that matter). I have some things to do, but most of my job seems to consist of waiting on others, oh joy! I miss Ren and STimpy.
Anyways, I asked to leave at noon tomorrow b/c I have a wedding far far away I don't feel like attending, but I must! My boss helpfully suggests I take the whole day, well asked me why I didn't. Uh, she knows darn well why I dont'. One full day = deduct from vacation time. One half day = no deduction. Duh. I didn't respond to her and just plan on leaving. I'm such a good employee. Well, I'm sure there's worse. I don't complain about my job because I really do like it, I like the people too, even the boss. She's an odd duck, but usually pretty down to earth.
So be it as I am revisiting the homelands it seems whenever we do we have one main objective; secure the native foods. This will include salt potatoes, P&C half moons, Cameron cheese danishes, and maybe a trip to the Dinosaur BBQ or some Doug's Fish Fry if I have time. I do love the barbie. Mmm corn bread. Funny, I"ve lived a handful of places and it's always food we are looking for when we go back. RI: lobster/Willow-tree chicken salad from STop&Shop/Phils diner/Dells lemonade/Mews. Here, I don't know what I would miss if I left food-wise. I do have a great pizza place I love, a good sushi place I've only been to once, I don't know about specifics though. I should probably cook more.

See, this is why I don't listen to the news. I go into the kitchen at work and it's on and I invariably hear that some school (in NJ) is banning, yes banning, children from bringing cupcakes (or any other sweet treat) on their birthdays. Too much sugar. That is ludacris. It's the kids dang birthday, they do not celebrate with their friends over a cup of coffee and a stick of celery. We're talking about elementary school. I get that we have a generation O, but banning an annual tradition ain't going to change that! We all managed to grow up eating donuts and drinking Hawiaan punch and not falling into diabetic coma. How about you reinstate the Phys-ed programs to every day instead of every other day? Just a thought. Their 'solution' to birthdays was to have the guest of honor wear a crown (sorry boys) and distribute goody bags. Uh-huh. I've done the goody bags and the cupcakes. Guess what? Goody bags for 24 kids cost me over $50, the cupcakes are around $3. You know what else? Goody bags usually contain candy as the cheapest item. Why don't you just ban all holidays since we celebrate with candy 99% of the time scrooge! I'd also like to point out that the children are in school roughly 6 hours out of 24 so if they are sugar hungry pigs, they are going to get it regardless of whether it's a cupcake at lunch or 9 when they get home.

Things I would have done different..
1. not wrote dumb typed note in 5th grade responding to Andrew's response because my mother was unfamiliar with the term "go out with"
2. not denied kissing Eric/Andrew in 1st grade when asked about it in 5th
3. not confronted Rob when someone told me he wanted to ask me to the prom
4. not made tape for Kurt or told him about it (dumb dumb dumb)
5. not been a crappy girlfriend to Brian
6. would have gone to New Years' party after pouting/throwing fit worked
7. not bought hideous outfits at Filenes' basement
8. not had a crush on someone gay
9. not gone to Cortland
10. not met Scott
11. not gone to Susans' wedding

People always say that they don't regret things in life, and they wouldn't change any of them because they learned from them and that's what made them who they are today. WEll that's nice. Above is a list of dumb things that made serious scars on me, I learned nothing from, and had serious recourse on the sequence of events that made my life what it is today. If I like it all that much, I wouldn't have made said list.

Am I shallow?
I have to wonder, not because I've been outright accused of it by anyone, it's just I'm a pretty intelligent person but I honestly consider the msn home page, news. And, even there, when i read highlights involving politics or world news I am more liable to cover my ears and start singing then open any of those things up and pretend I am interested. I'm not sure if it's because the "news" is never good news, and I just dont' like to burden my psyche with tragedies and murders and things I can't change or prevent, or if I'm just a shallow girl.
Truth be told I live for the glossy girly magazines that come every month like clockwork. I notice if they are using a picture from last years summer issue (and Lucky it's so obvious that's so last season) and even though I don't follow their make up tips and I don't own anything designer, it's like eye candy to me. I love the magazine, I love celebrity gossip, I love my shoes, and I constantly wish I could something with my hair.
Although I don't like watching the news to hear what horrors abound, I also dont' care about politics so much. Not interested. I have no clue outside our own president and face shooting vice who does what. I do seem to uphold an opinion that they are doing a pretty crappy job and when I do catch press conferences have to wonder if they are serious, but maybe that's just more bad news I'm not willing to expose myself to. It does frustrate me the problems of our nation, but I dont' have that "I make a difference" feeling. Yeah, that went out the window with the re-election of our current fearless (yeah, right) leader. For some reason I can't help myself but pass on the title of "US newborns scoring low" for a good "Russell dives into Posiedon" story. I also notice when the reuse msn topic, and trust me, they do!
Once I had a subscription to Time magazine because I was attempting to educate myself and somehow ignite my interest in current events, but, after they began piling up unread (weekly!) I had to call and beg them to stop delivery. Meanwhile, I have to beat the subscriptions to Glamour, Vogue, Lucky, Jane, and Allure out of my hands with a stick before I go into debt learning of the latest blurbs of Lindsey Lohan. Whey does it facinate me? I don't know, maybe the world is heavy enough and I am just trying to distract myself. Shallow though? Up for debate.

Well. It's Monday. It's raining. I didn't feel too bad about things this morning though. Despite the fact I was dragged out of my warm bed by my 3 year olds' cries for mommy. Despite the fact I know my husband is still searching for work and will spend the majority of the day at home not making money. Despite the fact I was recently crapped on literally by a bird. Then the husband called me at work, again.
He needs a very expensive root canal and crown. How it is that a man without a single cavity could somehow hit 30 and deteriate so fast, is beyond me. He blames the water, I have no culprits. Maybe stress, maybe crappy brushing techniques, maybe I just don't know. I'm not a fan of the dentist. I don't particularly like this one either. I may just find a new one. It is a kick in the face however, in my current economic state, to have to hear what they want me to pay.
I'm trying so hard to stay positive, to stay family friendly, to hold it together, and this is a blow I did not need. And, had it to come, I would have preferred to enjoy my entire day at work and deal with it when I got home. Now, I can't even go get a cup of coffee at starbucks without second guessing my purchase since I aparently will soon be parting with 2 weeks salary to fix some teeth that need yanking or veneering anyways. This fucking sucks. Thanks a lot for ruining what could have been a fairly decent day. Now all day long I get to sit here and wish I could ditch my entire life and start over and rack my brain for what other belongings I can SELL to cover teeth that aren't even MINE. At what point is enough enough? How much to you think I can stand before I crack? We will all wait and see.

Isn't it funny how when you forget something it just suddenly pops into your head at some random time when you're thinking of something else completely? Last time I was blogging I was trying to think of what I wanted to blog about but of course I had to wait for it to randomly come to me. It's not as good as I thought, but here it is;
My Thoughts on Gas Pricing
Well, you knew they weren't going to be positive, no one likes spending more money on anything. On my way into work, car pooling on my brothers motorcycle in the HOV lane, I see a few things that strike me. A hybrid Escape with a plate reading: H1BR1D. Obviously someone proud to own a hybrid for their environmental savy or penny pinching. I see many hybrids with vanity plates cheering their existance. ENVRMNT, PSERVR, etc. Alongside will be a brand new Cadillac Escalade SUV with temporary plates. I honestly think those trucks are gorgeous and I suppose if you have the money, you don't care so much about gas prices, but they always have one scrawny little black driver and not another sole in the 365 cubic space of cargo, and wheels that cost more than my car. I saw a wrangler with temp plates too and so I wonder if people are really driving less now that gas is over $3 a gallon.
I never thought I'd see that day until I was at least retired. I mean, it was 99 cents a gallon when I was in college and that wasn't that long ago. They say that the metro has had record riders and the husband hears there is a lot of gas because people aren't buying as much. The stock fell to under $70/barrell which isn't any higher than it was when gas did cost 99cent/gallon so what's the deal?
It makes me sick to hear about CEO retirement packages valued at hundreds of millions of dollars while they tell us they aren't price guaging. Maybe they need a vocab lesson.
Sometimes I have odd nightmares and the only with I wish for was more justice, and not the kind we have now, real justice that doesn't struggle with right/wrong or guilty/innocent. It is a conflict of interest to have a president so involved in the oil industry. If we have laws preventing business conduct along lines of conflicts of interest, then why on earth is someone who makes more money off the oil industry than the salary paid as president of the United States, allowed to be in that position? Anyone can see he isn't all that bright, I have also lost faith in the voting system to believe that such a moron was elected more than once. I mean, didn't you people WATch the debates? HE is an ass.

All in a day.

I had something I wanted to blog about, but that seems to have escaped me so it is time for some more rambling. Pet peeves. I think I am one of the most tolerable people I know. Maybe that's not entirely accurate, I just get internally pissed off and dont' do anything about it. One of my biggest pet peeves is when co-workers insist on inquiring about food you are eating. Look, I have a self-consiciousness about being judged by what I consume, but it's also needless 'small talk' and really usually dumb and obvious. And no, I don't like sharing either. Nevertheless, without fail I will be in the kitchen area, by myself, and someone will walk in and mutter something along the lines of;
"What's for lunch?" or "What do you have there?" "Whatcha eating?" or the more blatent "What is that?" None of your goddam business. 90% of the time it's something so obvious I want to tell them something completely off. Today it was "What's for lunch?" and I really don't know how to respond sometimes without sounding like an ass, because what I'm having for lunch is not what you're having for lunch. So instead of saying anything, I said nothing but just to smooth out ignoring her completely I threw in a "how's your day going?" not that I cared a bit. Just so you're not dying of curiousity it was speghetti, a fairly obvious dish. I should have said peanut butter and jelly.
Another pet peeve of mine is personal space. I like a lot of it, I bet you're surprised. Some people just don't have that need. It's not usually a problem, I let it go in the metro when we're all squished in like sardines, but if I"m at the grocery store you don't need to stand ON my sneakers, you'll get there eventually buddy. ATM lines are also ackward because you could end up on the sidewalk/street sometimes. Why exactly to they have brail on the drive up ATM's anyways? Just wondering.
Well this week has been pretty blurry thanks to all the allergies and drugs. I have decided I'll just stop taking things and see how I"m doing. So far, so good. I felt so drunk yesterday I didn't like it despite the fact it completely eradicated my appetite which I often wish there was a pill for. Dont' get me wrong, I like food, there are plenty of things I find pleasurable to eat, but there are also times when I just don't want to eat and the whole hunger thing is more annoying than anything else because I know I could stand to lose a few but my body doesn't want to let it go.
I'll say my final pet peeve of the day is obligations. I like doing nice things for people, but I hate feeling obligated -especially when it's ponying up money for people I don't know that well. Is there any end to asking for money at work? Baby showers, bridal showers, birthdays, xmas, it's always something. I wish I had more money and could do more really, but my husband hasn't brought home a paycheck this year and I'm a little tapped out. He's wearing on me as well with his constant whining about wanting to buy food. I can honestly say I would weigh 20 lbs less if I lived by myself. I would buy groceries like once a month tops and wait til there was not a scratch left in the cupboard (i'm a pretty creative cooker) before I bought more. But, I have little rug rat and I feel bad not buying things like milk, cereal, eggs, and bread. She hardly ever eats either. I'm a little off topic, I just feel bad because they are collecting money for the secruity guards new baby and I have none, 2 good friends are pregnant and I wish I could do more for them...I will volunteer to babysit though. I wiggle my way out of making a monetary contribution to my boss because she gave us a little (I do me little) gift card and it just felt like a dumb money exchange. I'll save that for the holiday bitch session though.
I'm so not a materialistic person (though I do like clothes/shoes) but I am feeling strained because my salary doesn't even cover my bills without eating or shopping or buying gas (i'm sure you can insert your own sarcasm here). I could do without cable and internet myself, but the freeloading husband whines he needs it for work- the internet anyways. His bills far exceed my own I'd also like to point out. The idea of booting him completey gives me a warm fuzzy feeling. The little one might object though. Again, I think I'm far too tolerant.

Well I finally went in for an allergy test after weeks of sufferring and crappy sleep and boxes of tissues. They put rows of liquid dots on you and then poke them with a sharp little metal thing to get them under your skin. Results; "that's very impressive!" Translation; you are really allergic to everything! Oh joy. A pile of perscriptions later and there's really not much else I can do but wait out the onslaught of pollen. It's dwindling, I can tell, I slept through the night twice already without any medication. My plan of attack for next year, if we are still here that is, is to go on an extended vacation as soon as the pollen starts breaking out. No one else seems to be sufferring as much as me, but Tim had his fair share last year.
So summer is coming. I find myself in the same old situation of uncertainty. Tim's job is not going as well as he'd like, neither is the search for a new one. We've done a lot of down-sizing, cost cutting, and selling, but we have a lot of bills that we can't change. His 2006 contribution to all these is roughly $700 so I've suggested he try substitute teaching to pick up some extra money and still be able to pick up our daughter from school since we only have one car. It just feels like such crap. We would've liked to buy something by now, not have to move again. I have what I consider a good job, I like it, but in this economy rent sucks up over half of my salary and preschool takes the rest. That doesn't leave anything for anything else. I feel bad, we were doing so well in NY and I really wanted to leave and now Tim can't find his niche. However, had we stayed in upstate, who knows what would've happened. It was so depressing there weather-wise. I always would've wondered about leaving too. AT least now, if I do go back, I don't have to wonder. I still don't want to though. The fact that there are no jobs for me there is as true now as it was then.
Last night I had a dream I was cleaning out aquariums. Lots of them. Most had fish, all different kinds, and one was a terrarium for turtles (I do have 2 turtles). I kept having to take them off this huge center stack/shelf and clean them out and refill them with fresh water for the fish and there was always another one to do, even though the biggest one in the middle was done. I think Tim was suppossed to be helping me, but dissappeared. At one point I forgot to put the water back in for the fish and a bunch of them died. I hurried to fill it up but most were already gone and floated. There seemed to be some unrest going on, everyone wanted a job (immigrants?) and at one point I was driving in a van with a man, someones father, maybe mine..and we stopped to help these people who were all climbing up this grassy hill by a river. There was a little boy and a girl I knew from HS, Stacy. She got in the van and we hurried to drive away leaving many behind. This is about where I woke up. The turtle tank does need a good cleaning.